Hurlyburly - The Continuing Tragic Saga - Chapter 5

"Well, this certainly bizarre."

Seana Mullen closed her cell phone. She had just received a disturbing message on her voicemail from Kate Luther, Emily's younger sister. The message was garbled, as if Kate was calling her from from the back of a pickup truck going 120 km down the TransCanada Highway. The jist of the message was that Kate's father, Brian Luther, was missing and that Kate was on her way to Vancouver. Kate couldn't get hold of Emily, so she wanted Seana to meet her in Abbotsford, early the next morning.

"What's bizarre?" Seana jumped slightly. Her boyfriend, Lee had mysteriously appeared behind her.

"Oh! I didn't know you were home." Lee was a pilot for Air Canada. She was used to him not being around very much. "Kate just left a highly disturbing message on my voicemail. Apparently, Brian E. Luther, Chartered Accountant, is missing."

Lee rolled his eyes. "Oh no. I've had enough of hearing about your crazy friends and their weird adventures."

Seana was shocked and somewhat appalled by his attitude. "What do you mean? This is a very serious situation!"

"Well, ever since we moved out to Vancouver, strange events keep unfolding. And your friends are a bunch of freaks. I mean, bounty hunters, superheroes, crazed movie stars, rapstar bodyguards, gay men with tennis racket fettishes and most appalling of all, a human helicopter!!! I mean, come on! Don't you find all of this to be a bit strange?" Lee wandered over to the bookcase. "I think it's time for drastic action." He pulled a thick volume down from the top shelf.

Seana's jaw dropped in alarm as she saw the title of the scariest book she had ever seen in her life. It was Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue. Lee was a big fan of Dr. Phil, but he only referred to THE BOOK when things were desperate.

"Let's see what Dr. Phil has to say about this..."

Seana snorted. "As if that idiot has anything to say about our relationship."

"Well, actually, there is a chapter on this very type of situation..." Lee wasd silent as he skimmed the chapter. "Yes, my dear, this is what you would call a deal-breaker."

"What the hell are you talking about?!" Seana couldn't believe that he was serious. She had given him that book a few years ago, as a joke. She was alarmed to see him referring to it as if it were some sort of gospel.

Lee sighed. "I have to get back to work tonight. I have a flight to Botswana and back. I will return in a few days. Upon my return, I think it would be a good idea if we went to see Dr.Phil. And I must insist that your pack of weirdoes join us. If anyone has the answer to this psycopathy, it's Philly." Lee closed the book and returned it carefully to the bookshelf.

For once in her life, Seana was speechless. Lee was usually quite tolerant of her shenanigans. Could this be the end of their relationship?

Her thoughts were interrupted by the appearance of a jolly man in a chef's uniform, carrying a large platter of cooked cow carcass. "Who wants some...MEAT?????"

"Hi Dave." Seana said. She wasn't surprised to see him. The movie business in Vancouver was quite slow right now, so Dave often amused himself by popping over to his friends' homes and cooking them large quantities of meat.

"Hey, why'do you two look so cobby? Chef Dave is in the house, and there's lots of MEAT to EAT!!!"

Lee gave Seana a meaningful look. "This type of silliness is exactly what I was talking about. Soon, you will see that I'm not the only one who feels this way." He took a large piece of filet mignon from the platter Dave was holding, and took a bite. "I gotta go get ready for work. See you in a few days. Bye Dave." Lee went into the bedroom.

Seana sighed and lit a cigarette. Sometimes Lee was too uptight for his own good. So what if her friends were a little weird? At least they knew how to have fun!

Dave thrust the plate of carcass under her nose. "EAT!!!" he commanded.

Seana took a shiskabob, and began to thoughtfully munch on it.

"What's got Lingaloo's panties in a knot?" Dave demanded.

"Dunno. Mmmm. This is delicious. You are a true wizard with a barbreque and cow carcass."

"Thank you!" Dave beamed. "I'm going over to Warner's house. Wanna come with me? I'm going to set up a fire pit on the roof and roast a warthog."

"Sounds like fun." Seana took the platter of MEAT from Dave and put it in the fridge, and they left.

After the door shut, a shadowy figure stealthily emerged from the closet. "Meat!!!!!!" he hissed. It had been hours since he had last feasted. The sinister figure opened the fridge and pulled out the plate of freshly cooked carcass. He caressed the chunks of meat lovingly before finally opening its mouth and tipping the contents of the platter into it's gaping maw. He swallowed the meat in one gulp. "Meat good!" he hissed before scampering out onto the balcony. He perched on the railing of the balcony for a few seconds before slithering down the side of the building and disappearing into the night.