Chapter 3
Andrea Warner was sitting on the deck of Bilby’s penthouse, enjoying the spectacular view of Stanley Park. The penthouse was quite lavish and took up the entire top floor of a high-rise condominium complex. They had bought it specifically because there was a helipad on the roof. She was happier than she had been in a very long time. Bilby was so kind and loving. And sexy. Their relationship was humming along smoothly, which was a nice change from her previous love affair.
Andrea had had a brief dalliance with Tom Cruise, a dalliance of doom. Tom had drugged her and tried to forcibly convert her to Scientology. She shuddered at the memory. Tom was now married to her good friend Hoagie and they lived on the exclusively homosexual island of Aborigene (which was turning into to quite the popular hotspot). Tom had undergone intensive deprogramming, and Andrea had forgiven him for his horrible actions, but there were times when his crazed, sharklike grin haunted her in her dreams.
She wished that Bilby were back from his Bounty Hunter Conference and Jamboree in Montana. She was drifting into a fantasy about Bilby’s long dong and what sexual tricks she would be able to play on it when she was interrupted by the sound of a helicopter landing a few feet away.
“Andrea!!!” Philseecopter wailed. “Is Bilby back yet?”
Andrea swallowed her irritation. Even though Philsee’s whining was often unbearable, she had to keep in mind that it must be difficult to be a human helicopter. “No, Philsee. He’ll be back on Friday.”
“Oh. I wish he would get back soon…I hate being a helicopter!” Suddenly, Philseecopter burst into tears. Andrea dashed out of the way before she got drenched. “I’m losing Greg! I can’t satisfy him, sexually. And I saw him with his head buried in a stranger’s lap earlier!!!!”
Philsee told her how he had been flying around the city, because he had nothing else to do when he had seen Greg performing an unspeakable action on the lead singer from Loverboy. “And, Greggy knows that’s my favourite band! How could he?”
Andrea awkwardly patted Philseecopter’s metal side. “Well, maybe you misread the situation. Greg’s usually a very patient man. And Bilby was going to see about getting a new magic wand from a shaman in Botswana. Cheer up, buckaroo! How about I feed you some ice cream.”
“Oh, Andrea, you always know how to make me feel better!” Philseecopter sniffled. “Everybody’s working for the weekend, everybody wants a new romance,” Philseecopter began pathetically singing to himself “everybody’s going off the deep end…OOOOOHHHHHH, GREG!!!!”
The situation was becoming much too pathetic, so Andrea went to the kitchen and ordered Munroe, Bilby’s butler, to pull a giant bucket of ice cream out of the walk-in freezer. As she waited for Munroe to load the ice cream onto a dolly, she glanced out the window. Far below, she noticed a strange, shadowy figure scampering across the front lawn of the condo. He seemed to be engaged in some sort of interpretive dance to music that only he could hear. It was not unusual to see a lot of freaks wandering around this area, but for some reason, this sighting unsettled her.
“Miss Warner, the ice cream is ready to be transported to Master Philseeccopter.” Munroe’s clipped British accent distracted her from the shadowy figure’s bizarre, but entrancing dance.
“Thank you, Munroe.” Andrea pulled a garden shovel out of her pocket. Before leaving the kitchen, she glanced outside. To her dismay, the dancing freak was gone.
“AAAAAnnnnnnndddddrrrrreeeeaaaaaaaa!!!!!” Philseecopter was whining again.
“Coming, you big baby!” Andrea shouted and made her way to comfort the helicopter.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment