Hurlyburly - The Continuing Tragic Saga - Chapter 7

The sun was hot. Father Ed (the priest formerly known as Eeeeeeeddddddddd Waaalllaaaccceee!) was standing waist-deep in the Jambalaya River, just outside of the town of Bobtercock, in Botswana. Before him, a crowd of people dressed in bright pink robes with their heads shaved into mohawks stood on the shore. They were waiting in silence for him to speak. It was nearly noon, almost time for the baptismal ceremony to begin. He sighed impatiently. His priestess, Sister Mini-Clit was late. And she knew that he couldn't very well start without her. After all, she played an integral part in the ancient ceremony. Well, it wasn't so ancient a ceremony. He had only invented it two months ago.

In fact, he had made up the entire religion after getting kicked out of the Catholic Church for engaging in sexual intercourse with Mini-Clit. He had tried to tell the pope that their fornication was simply an act of charity, designed to raise Mini-Clit's self-esteem. She was very self-conscious about the size of her clitoris and he wanted to prove to her that her clit wasn't as small as she thought it was. The pope did not see it that way. So, in retaliation, Father Ed came up with Fructusfornicology. The religion was centered around the worship of a trifecta of delicious tropical fruits. Most important was the god Pineappleocoles and his wife, the goddess Guavaopolous. He had also introduced a figure known as the Holy Papayus, a spirit that tracked its followers misdeeds, and sent them to the Compost Heap if they sinned too much.

Botswana was the ideal place to test out his new religion and Father Ed was shocked (but not appalled) by how popular it was becoming. He had heard that some Hollywood celebrities had expressed an interest in practicing Fructusfornicology. At first, he wanted nothing to do with those heathens. But, Mini-Clit had convinced him that their involvement could only help quicken the spread of their gospel. Hell, he could even use it to take over the world. That Mini-Clit was such a wise woman. She had even invented a penile implant that, if surgically implanted in the right subject, would act as an aphrodisiac. Men and women alike would fall under the spell of the implant, and become very susceptible to suggestion. They had already recruited a prominent Canadian celebrity to act as a test subject, and so far, the results had been very promising. If they implanted enough of these devices in a large enough number of penises, the whole world could soon fall under the spell of Fructusfornicology.

Father Ed's eyes narrowed as he spotted a strange figure approaching his followers. It was a man. He was tall, with a lean, but muscular frame and long brownish-blond dredlocks. He was wearing a bizarre outfit, consisting of a loincloth, a fluorescent green tank top, with a picture of Siegfried and Roy on the front of it and a purple polka-dotted bow-tie. The man looked vaguely familiar, but Father Ed couldn't fathom where he would have seen such a bizarre figure before.

"Halt!!!" Father Ed yelled out to him. The figure abruptly halted and turned to face him. "Identify yourself!" Father Ed's followers all turned toward the man, and to his surprise, they all threw themselves on the ground before the man, chanting in an indescribable language.

The man glared at Father Ed with contempt. "You are an infidel. You seek to turn these good people away from their ancient ways, to follow you, a false prophet."

Father Ed was stunned. "This is the true path, and these people know it. They're my followers, not yours. And, you're not from around here, anyways. Go back to Vegas with your fancy ways, Siegfried!"

"That was a mistake. I am a shaman, sworn to protect these people. Now, you will taste the fury of the ancestors." The shaman pulled a magic wand out of his pocket and pointed it at Father Ed. "Heiudefn Koveroiuvc."

Before Father Ed had time to react, a bright orange beam of light shot from the wand and hit him in the chest. "NOOOOOO!!! Avenge me, Mini-Clit!!!!" he screamed out as the searing beam ripped open his chest cavity.

Father Ed's last conscious thought was of how the shaman reminded him of Emily's Luther's brother, Brice.

All went black.