Hurlyburly - The Continuing Tragic Saga - Chapter 15

"GO GRETZKY!!!!" Emily screamed. The cheers of the crowd at Rexall Place were deafening. Her favourite hockey team, the Edmonton Oilers, was playing against her least favourite team, the Ranfurly Meat Puppets. The score was currently 15-0.

"Show your pecker for Peca," the crowd chanted, "More fanny for Pisani! Show your titties for Smytty! More skin for Roloson!"

Emily joined in with great gusto. Her voice was hoarse and she had spilled beer all over the leg of the man sitting next to her, but she didn't really care. She was swept up in the most exciting game of her life. "Show your shlonger for Pronger!" she yelled. Suddenly, the crowd went quiet. Emily looked around in alarm. The crowd was gone and the players had all vanished. It was dark. She was alone in the Coliseum. Or, so she thought.

"Whoa, mon etudiante!" a deep, familiar voice startled her. Emily spun around, the last of her beer spraying around her like a garden sprinkler.

M. Nault, her old Social Studies teacher stood a few feet away. His perfectly groomed hair and Hitleresque moustache looked exactly as she remembered, but she was shocked and appalled to see that he was wearing only a lime green loincloth. "Vat happened?" she demanded, "Where's Peca and Pronger?"

"They were never here. You were having a powerful hallucination. I psychically transmitted the details of a cherished dream of yours in order to communicate with you."

"Hein?" Emily was disturbed, yet highly intrigued.

"You and your friends are in grave peril, mon etudiante. And, I am afraid that the only person who can save you all may become incapacitated." M. Nault looked quite grave, indeed. "We don't have much time. Our link is tenuous at best. You are under the influence of a powerful cocktail of chloroform, scotch, Rasta weed and ostrich excrement. Of your group, you are the only one with the stamina to overcome its effects due to your superhuman ability to consume copious amounts of alcohol and still function at a high level."

"Well, I can't argue with that!" Emily chortled.

"Silence! This is no laughing matter. Listen carefully. I am going to tell you of a powerful spell that can be used when the situation becomes grim. If you can recite it correctly, then the hurly burly will be done and the battle will be lost and won." M. Nault intoned seriously.

Emily was frightened. What in Sam Hill was going on? She wanted to run away, or start slapping M. Nault's tallywhacker with a tennis racket. She desperately wished that her alarm would awaken her- NOW! But, she also kind of wanted to see what would happen. "Sooooo... what's this chant you're on about?"

"Listen and listen well:

'Evad, etak, Xela, Ho.
Ecirb, Anaes, Retpoc, Cho.
Yblib, Ellehcim, Eel.
Mekkalecca Hi,
Mekkahini Ho,
Nairb,
Nairb,
Nairb,
ZOOT!'

Do you think you be able to recall these important words?"

Emily raised her eyebrows and snorted. She was completely gobsmacked. "I seriously doubt it."

M. Nault sighed in exasperation. "I was afraid of that. I must take drastic measures." To Emily's shock and awe, M. Nault pulled a brightly coloured stick that looked suspiciously like a magic wand, with a pink sparkly star on the tip of it out of his pocket. He pointed it at her forehead. “By the power of Gretzky, you shall recall!!!”

A fluorescent beam of yellow light emanated from the wand and hit Emily in the center of her forehead. She fell over backwards, as a purple unicorn with a silver horn charged at her. Before she could react, the unicorn inserted its horn into her forehead. Emily screamed in terror, but she was surprised to find that it didn’t hurt at all. In fact, the sensation was bizarrely pleasant. The unicorn backed away, and trotted over to M. Nault’s side. Emily got to her feet.

“My work here is done. I pray for your success.” M. Nault and the unicorn vanished before Emily could say another word.

All went black.