Billy Bob Thornton (or Bilby, as he preferred to be called) had just arrived in Bobtercock, Botswana. Bilby was a gruff sort of man who liked to keep his emotions well hidden, but an amazing woman named Andrea Warner had changed him. He missed her. After spending a week on ranch in Montana with a bunch of crazed bounty hunters, all he wanted to do was head home to Vancouver and fuck Andrea raw for a week straight. Now, devoted reader, that may seem a bit harsh and it kind of makes Bilby sound like a horrible beast, but we have it on good authority that Andrea likes rough sex, so in that respect, Bilby is really a caring and sensitive lover.
Instead, Bilby was stuck in Bobtercock, looking for a shaman who could replace the magic wand he had lost. Bilby felt quite badly about the whole thing. If he had been a bit more responsible, his best friend wouldn't now be a whiny helicopter. He had to fix this problem. It's hard to believe, but magic wands are hard to come by. A fellow bounty hunter had given the name of a shaman who could help him out: Rasta-dawg. Yes, Rasta-dawg. Bilby thought it was a weird name for a shaman, but at least it was distinctive and hard to forget. Bilby was curious about this Rasta-dawg. He hoped that he would be easy to find.
He approached a group of villagers, who were hanging out in front of a building. As Bilby approached, he noticed that the buiding was constructed completely out of fruit. A woman, dressed in flourescent green robes stood in the middle of the throng, clutching a picture of a man to her ample bosum. She had tears streaming down he face, and she was singing a beautiful hymn.
"In the name of the father,
In the name of the son,
In the name of the Holy Ghost,
And the lost ones...
We pray for salvation,
We pray for God's son,
We pray for forgiveness,
for the damage we've done,
A prayer for all!"
Bilby cleared his throat. The woman abruptly stopped singing. Everyone turned and stared at him.
"Um, sorry to interrupt, but I'm looking for someone. A shaman, in fact. Goes by the name Rasta- dawg." Bilby was startled when everyone gasped.
The woman glared at him furiously. "That man you're looking for is a murderer! He killed our leader, while he was performing his duty to the Holy Papyus!"
Bilby held up his hands. "Whoa, there, freaks. I'm not looking for any trouble. I just need to know where this Rasta-fella is. I don't know if he's a murderer or not. I just need to get something from him."
The woman pointed at Bilby, dramatically. "Seize him!!! He is in league with that filthy Rasta-dawg! He's a murderer, too! Sister Mini-Clit!!!"
Bilby hesitated a moment. Sister Mini-Clit? She was still alive? His sources had told him that Mini-Clit and that priest Father Ed had died in a horrible helicopter accident, when the rotary blades had somehow chopped off their heads. But, he didn't have time to think of that, now. He had to get away from these zealots.
"Bilby Power activate!" He screamed, and he began spinning around and around. Within seconds, Bilby could not be seen by the townspeople, as he had turned into a powerful lime green tornado. Tornado Bilby whirled away from the fruity church. Some of the villagers began throwing rocks at him, but he easily dispatched them by throwing some colourful jack-o-lanterns at them until they gave up. Bilby twirled away to a safe distance, and stopped spinning. "Bilby power de-activate," he mumbled. He still needed to find this Rasta-dawg guy, but it looked like he wouldn't get much help from the villagers.
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