Hurlyburly - The Continuing Tragic Saga - Chapter 10

"Kate, you're filthy!" Seana exclaimed. "But it's good to see you!"

Seana had driven her brand new Jeep out to Abbotsford to meet Kate so that they could try to find out what was going on with Kate's father, Brian. They were having a bite to eat at McDonald's before heading back to Vancouver. Kate's hair looked like a rat's nest and had several live cockroaches crawling in it. Her clothes seemed to be covered in dirt and some sort of purple goo.

"Well it was a rough trip," Kate sighed. "The first part was okay, I made it all the way to Kamloops in the back of a pickup truck, but then he went a different way so I ended up having to skateboard while holding onto the back of a motorcycle."

"Kate, that's pretty dangerous, why didn't you just take the bus?" Seana inquired.

"Are you on crack?" Kate said. "What a fucking waste of money that would have been. Sure I'm dirty but I can clean up, no sweat. But more importantly, how are we going to find Brian? Did you ever get hold of Emily?"

"Yeah, but she hadn't heard from Brian," Seana said. "But I do have a lead, Michelle said that she ran into him at the Sylvia Hotel bar."

"Oh yeah, that's his favourite bar in Vancouver," Kate said. "Maybe we should just go there and hang out until he shows up? I mean, with the amount of scotch he's been drinking lately, he's bound to show up there sooner rather than later."

"That's a great idea," Seana said. "It will give us a chance to have a few drinks and catch up too. We should see if Emily and Dave want to join us."

The two women got into Seana's Jeep and headed out on the highway, back towards Vancouver. Kate pulled about 10 handguns out of various pockets to show Seana she was well-equipped for whatever happened.'

"I found these on the front lawn," Kate explained. "Here, take some, just in case."

Seana put a couple of handguns in her pockets, and stuck one behind each ear. Kate giggled. "That looks awesome!"

Seana put a Sublime CD in the stereo and they both started singing along.

What they didn't notice was the shadowy figure crouching in the back seat of the jeep.

"You pissants think you are soooo smart," the shadowy figure hissed. "Well I'm afraid I am going to have to put a dent in your clever little plan. My master's instructions are very clear."

It pulled a rag covered in chloroform from the folds of its cape, and shoved it in Seana's face, and then Kate's. They both twitched for a few seconds, and thin streams of drool oozed from their mouths, then they lost consciousness. The figure undid their seatbelts and threw their unconscious bodies in the back. Then it got into the driver's seat and took the wheel, narrowly missing a semi coming from the other direction.

THe shadowy figure pulled out its walkie-talkie and turned it on.

"Master? Are you there?" it said.

"Yes, I am, Minion," said a deep, diesmbodied voice with a slight southern drawl. "Have you taken custody of the pissants?"

"Well I've got Kate and Seana, and I am about to go fetch Emily and Dave," said the figure. "I also need to go back to Ms. Warner's residence so I can kidnap her and hijack that ridiculous human helicopter to bring us there."

"Remember, you need to have them all at my ranch in Texas by Friday," said the voice over the walkie-talkie. "That's when our plan will be carried out. Our colleague is going to look after those members of our little group who are currently in Botswana."

"Yes master."

Hurlyburly - The Continuing Tragic Saga - Chapter 9

Billy Bob Thornton (or Bilby, as he preferred to be called) had just arrived in Bobtercock, Botswana. Bilby was a gruff sort of man who liked to keep his emotions well hidden, but an amazing woman named Andrea Warner had changed him. He missed her. After spending a week on ranch in Montana with a bunch of crazed bounty hunters, all he wanted to do was head home to Vancouver and fuck Andrea raw for a week straight. Now, devoted reader, that may seem a bit harsh and it kind of makes Bilby sound like a horrible beast, but we have it on good authority that Andrea likes rough sex, so in that respect, Bilby is really a caring and sensitive lover.

Instead, Bilby was stuck in Bobtercock, looking for a shaman who could replace the magic wand he had lost. Bilby felt quite badly about the whole thing. If he had been a bit more responsible, his best friend wouldn't now be a whiny helicopter. He had to fix this problem. It's hard to believe, but magic wands are hard to come by. A fellow bounty hunter had given the name of a shaman who could help him out: Rasta-dawg. Yes, Rasta-dawg. Bilby thought it was a weird name for a shaman, but at least it was distinctive and hard to forget. Bilby was curious about this Rasta-dawg. He hoped that he would be easy to find.

He approached a group of villagers, who were hanging out in front of a building. As Bilby approached, he noticed that the buiding was constructed completely out of fruit. A woman, dressed in flourescent green robes stood in the middle of the throng, clutching a picture of a man to her ample bosum. She had tears streaming down he face, and she was singing a beautiful hymn.

"In the name of the father,
In the name of the son,
In the name of the Holy Ghost,
And the lost ones...
We pray for salvation,
We pray for God's son,
We pray for forgiveness,
for the damage we've done,
A prayer for all!"

Bilby cleared his throat. The woman abruptly stopped singing. Everyone turned and stared at him.

"Um, sorry to interrupt, but I'm looking for someone. A shaman, in fact. Goes by the name Rasta- dawg." Bilby was startled when everyone gasped.

The woman glared at him furiously. "That man you're looking for is a murderer! He killed our leader, while he was performing his duty to the Holy Papyus!"

Bilby held up his hands. "Whoa, there, freaks. I'm not looking for any trouble. I just need to know where this Rasta-fella is. I don't know if he's a murderer or not. I just need to get something from him."

The woman pointed at Bilby, dramatically. "Seize him!!! He is in league with that filthy Rasta-dawg! He's a murderer, too! Sister Mini-Clit!!!"

Bilby hesitated a moment. Sister Mini-Clit? She was still alive? His sources had told him that Mini-Clit and that priest Father Ed had died in a horrible helicopter accident, when the rotary blades had somehow chopped off their heads. But, he didn't have time to think of that, now. He had to get away from these zealots.

"Bilby Power activate!" He screamed, and he began spinning around and around. Within seconds, Bilby could not be seen by the townspeople, as he had turned into a powerful lime green tornado. Tornado Bilby whirled away from the fruity church. Some of the villagers began throwing rocks at him, but he easily dispatched them by throwing some colourful jack-o-lanterns at them until they gave up. Bilby twirled away to a safe distance, and stopped spinning. "Bilby power de-activate," he mumbled. He still needed to find this Rasta-dawg guy, but it looked like he wouldn't get much help from the villagers.

Hurlyburly - The Continuing Tragic Saga - Chapter 8

"I look fucking hot."

Alex MacDougall was in the back of his bright yellow vintage motorhome, appraising his appearance in a full-length mirror. His long black hair was artfully woven into a french braid, with the bangs curled 80s style, and he had expertly applied blue mascara and eyeshadow to emphasize his gorgeous blue eyes. Shiny pink lipstick accentuated his sultry lips.

He finished doing up a frilly white blouse, and then went to get the piece that would perfectly finish the outfit. It was a deluxe bright blue bath towel that he had bought specially for this occasion. He wrapped it around his lean waist, after thouroughly greasing his dick with garlic butter. He had learned from experience that it not only lubricated, but also accentuated the flavour of fresh penis. Of course, he wore no underwear under the towel.

Satisfied with his appearance, Alex climbed into the front seat of the RV and started driving towards the West End condo Andrea Warner shared with Billy Bob Thornton.

Alex had known Andrea for years, and he had always been attracted to her, but in the past week or so, for some reason, the attraction had turned into a lustful obsession. He knew she was in a relationship with Billy Bob Thornton, and he had no intention of taking her away from him. On the contrary, he had heard that Billy Bob was quite sexually liberated, and he was hoping for a threesome.

Alex parked the motorhome in front of the building, and to help with his courage, he pulled a bottle of absinthe out of the glove compartment and took a swig. He got out of the vehicle and brought the bottle with him. He figured Andrea and Billy Bob might want some too. It would definitely enhance the threesome experience.

Alex pressed the buzzer and was pleasantly surprised to be let in immediately. When he got up to the top floor, he knocked on the door. When it opened, he saw a man in his mid-60s or so, completely naked except for a baby bonnet on his head and a skimpy diaper around his groin area. He had a baby's soother in his mouth.

"Awe you my mommy?" said the man in a babyish voice tinged with a British accent.

Alex was at first intrigued, and then a bit alarmed.

"Um, I'm sorry, sir, I must have the wrong apartment," Alex muttered. "I'll just be going now."

"You're not from the escort agency?" the man had stopped talking in the baby voice and was now speaking in a very prestigious British accent. "I asked for a drag queen to pretend to be my mommy. What the hell?"

"Um, no, I'm afraid I was looking for Andrea Warner," Alex said. He noticed with alarm that there was a substantial erection propping up the front of the diaper.

"I'm so sorry, I am Ms. Warner and Master Bilby's butler, Munroe. Please wait here and I will change into my proper attire. I was not expecting anyone except for my escort."

"Don't worry about it, Munroe," Alex said good-naturedly. "I kind of like the outfit you're wearing. But does that mean Andrea's not home?"

"I'm afraid not," Munroe said. "They left about an hour ago for the airport, they are going to Botswana. The only person here is Master Philseecopter, and he is on the roof, of course. In fact, I should probably go up there and make sure he's doing okay. Would you like to come with me?"

"Philseecopter? Who is Philseecopter?" Alex asked.

"Oh, you don't know about Philsee?" Munroe said tentatively. "Well, you've heard of the actor Philip Seymour Hoffman, I presume?"

"Fuckin' A! You have a helicopter made to look like Philip Seymour Hoffman?" Alex screamed. "That is awesome!"

"Uh, it's not made to look like him, it, well...it is him," Munroe said.

"Hein?" Alex was confused.

"Come up and see for yourself," Munroe said.

When they got up on the roof, Alex was amazed at the gorgeous view. And when he saw what was up there, he was even more amazed. Munroe hadn't been lying. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman, and he was a helicopter.

"Thank god, Munroe, I was getting sooooo bored," Philseecopter said. "Did you wear that outfit for me? That's pretty hot. And who is this fine specimen?"

"Hi there Philsee, my name is Alex MacDougall," Alex said seductively, staring into Philsee's eyes. "I'm, uh, a friend of Andrea's. It's very, very nice to meet you!"

Alex and Philseecopter stared at each other for another minute or so.

"Oh where are my manners!" Philseecopter finally said. "I was just so entranced by your beautiful blue eyes and that dazzling outfit. Would you like to go for a ride Alex? And I mean that in more ways than one."

"I would love to!" Alex screamed. "I've always wanted to fuck in a helicopter over the North Shore mountains. Now I can do both at once!"

"Hop in," Philseecopter said seductively.

Alex pulled the bottle of absinthe out of his blouse's breast pocket. "How about some of this before we take off?"

"Hell yes Alex, bring that over here!" Philseecopter said.

Alex sauntered up to Philseecopter's head, and started dumping the absinthe down the helicopter's gullet. Then Alex got an even better idea. He bent over, inserted the absinthe bottle into his anus, filled his anal cavity with the liquor, then put his anal opening up to Philsee's mouth. Philsee moaned in pleasure as he drank down the firey liquid.

"Okay, I can't take it anymore," Philseecopte said after a few minutes of this. "Get into my body right now so I can take you for the ride of your life."

"Hey, can I come too?" Munroe asked shyly, reverting back into the baby voice. "My escort never showed up and I'm horny as hell. I piddled, and I need someone to change my diaper!"

"It's fine with me if it's fine with Alex," Philseecopter said.

"Sure, why the hell not," said Alex.

"Well then both of you hop in, whip out your pee pees and get ready for the best and most scenic sex you've ever had!" Philseecopter yelled. "Eat your heart out, Greg."

Alex felt a shiver of arousal as he climed inside of Philseecopter. Hell, he thought to himself. It definitely wasn't the threesome he had been expecting, but it would be a threesome to remember nonetheless.

Hurlyburly - The Continuing Tragic Saga - Chapter 7

The sun was hot. Father Ed (the priest formerly known as Eeeeeeeddddddddd Waaalllaaaccceee!) was standing waist-deep in the Jambalaya River, just outside of the town of Bobtercock, in Botswana. Before him, a crowd of people dressed in bright pink robes with their heads shaved into mohawks stood on the shore. They were waiting in silence for him to speak. It was nearly noon, almost time for the baptismal ceremony to begin. He sighed impatiently. His priestess, Sister Mini-Clit was late. And she knew that he couldn't very well start without her. After all, she played an integral part in the ancient ceremony. Well, it wasn't so ancient a ceremony. He had only invented it two months ago.

In fact, he had made up the entire religion after getting kicked out of the Catholic Church for engaging in sexual intercourse with Mini-Clit. He had tried to tell the pope that their fornication was simply an act of charity, designed to raise Mini-Clit's self-esteem. She was very self-conscious about the size of her clitoris and he wanted to prove to her that her clit wasn't as small as she thought it was. The pope did not see it that way. So, in retaliation, Father Ed came up with Fructusfornicology. The religion was centered around the worship of a trifecta of delicious tropical fruits. Most important was the god Pineappleocoles and his wife, the goddess Guavaopolous. He had also introduced a figure known as the Holy Papayus, a spirit that tracked its followers misdeeds, and sent them to the Compost Heap if they sinned too much.

Botswana was the ideal place to test out his new religion and Father Ed was shocked (but not appalled) by how popular it was becoming. He had heard that some Hollywood celebrities had expressed an interest in practicing Fructusfornicology. At first, he wanted nothing to do with those heathens. But, Mini-Clit had convinced him that their involvement could only help quicken the spread of their gospel. Hell, he could even use it to take over the world. That Mini-Clit was such a wise woman. She had even invented a penile implant that, if surgically implanted in the right subject, would act as an aphrodisiac. Men and women alike would fall under the spell of the implant, and become very susceptible to suggestion. They had already recruited a prominent Canadian celebrity to act as a test subject, and so far, the results had been very promising. If they implanted enough of these devices in a large enough number of penises, the whole world could soon fall under the spell of Fructusfornicology.

Father Ed's eyes narrowed as he spotted a strange figure approaching his followers. It was a man. He was tall, with a lean, but muscular frame and long brownish-blond dredlocks. He was wearing a bizarre outfit, consisting of a loincloth, a fluorescent green tank top, with a picture of Siegfried and Roy on the front of it and a purple polka-dotted bow-tie. The man looked vaguely familiar, but Father Ed couldn't fathom where he would have seen such a bizarre figure before.

"Halt!!!" Father Ed yelled out to him. The figure abruptly halted and turned to face him. "Identify yourself!" Father Ed's followers all turned toward the man, and to his surprise, they all threw themselves on the ground before the man, chanting in an indescribable language.

The man glared at Father Ed with contempt. "You are an infidel. You seek to turn these good people away from their ancient ways, to follow you, a false prophet."

Father Ed was stunned. "This is the true path, and these people know it. They're my followers, not yours. And, you're not from around here, anyways. Go back to Vegas with your fancy ways, Siegfried!"

"That was a mistake. I am a shaman, sworn to protect these people. Now, you will taste the fury of the ancestors." The shaman pulled a magic wand out of his pocket and pointed it at Father Ed. "Heiudefn Koveroiuvc."

Before Father Ed had time to react, a bright orange beam of light shot from the wand and hit him in the chest. "NOOOOOO!!! Avenge me, Mini-Clit!!!!" he screamed out as the searing beam ripped open his chest cavity.

Father Ed's last conscious thought was of how the shaman reminded him of Emily's Luther's brother, Brice.

All went black.