The Tragic Story of THE Andrea Warner

By popular demand, we give you the complete text of our most recent novella, "The Tragic Story of THE Andrea Warner".

* Any resemblance to actual folks, living or dead, are purely coincidental. And if there happens to be a teeny tiny similarity, just remember that this is all in good fun!!! Emily did the odd-numbered chapters, Seana did the even ones.



Chapter 1

Andrea Warner was ecstatic.

In fact, as she drove down the rainy Vancouver Island highway, she thought to herself that this was probably the happiest she had ever been in her life. It didn't even bother her that some idiot tourist on the ferry had talked her ear off for an hour about how fucked up it was that the city of Vancouver wasn't located on Vancouver Island.

The plan was working out perfectly. Her friends and family all thought she was coming to Victoria to start a new and fabulous job doing PR for a chain of Mexican restaurants called Paco's Phallus (so named because the owners were capitalizing on the natural penis-like shape of their burritos and tacos). Everyone was a little disappointed that it meant the end of Roger Magazine, the successful magazine she had started two years earlier with her old friends Seana Mullen and Emily Luther. But she had given her friends generous severance packages, and she had made the job offer at Paco's Phallus sound like such an amazing opportunity that no one could really fault her for taking it.

Even Emily and Seana did not know the real reason she was in Victoria, and Andrea planned to keep it that way. So much could go wrong if they found out the truth, the least of which would be their disappointment in knowing she had given up her magazine, her home, essentially her life, for a man. The fact that the man was in a serious relationship added more complications, of course. But for once in her life Andrea didn't care about the morality of the situation.

She had just gotten off the ferry and was on her way to see him in the secret lair he owned in the basement of the Empress Hotel, and she could barely contain her excitement. Her panties were getting wet just at the thought of what they would do that night. They still had not consummated their love; he was a man who believed in waiting until the right moment, a man who had to be careful and discreet, but she knew that tonight was the night. The night she would finally see and worship his amazing and luminous penis.

Andrea decided to have her own private celebration in the car. Hell, why not, she thought to herself. This was the best day of her life. She pulled a bottle of red wine out of her pocket and opened the bottle with expert technique. She grabbed a wine glass out of the glove compartment and poured herself a generous glass.

"To us," she said aloud. "To me and the love of my life, to me and the man whose children I will bear and whose beautiful dick will be the central focus of my life. Tom, ohhhh, Tom."

And with that, she emptied the glass in one gulp.

About 20 minutes later she arrived at the hotel. Her sexual excitement had been increasing for the entire drive, and that, in combination with the wine, had caused her face to flush in a very flattering way. After she had gotten a parking spot, she spent about half an hour doing her hair and makeup in the rearview mirror. She was already wearing a black silk evening gown, which was low cut and revealed the tops of her luscious jugs. Once her adjustments were complete she pulled a full-length mirror out of the trunk and contemplated her appearance. There was no doubt she was a beautiful woman even without the extra effort, but at the moment she looked so deliciously sexy that no man or woman could have resisted her.

One more finishing touch, she thought. She lifted her gown and inserted a well-manicured finger into her vagina, then removed it and dabbed some of the ample moisture on her neck and cleavage. It was a trick she had learned that made her even more irresistible to men and women.

She made her way to the side of the hotel, where she removed the key to the secret door that led to his lair. The door appeared to be nothing more than a janitor's entrance, which was perfect for keeping the lair secret. It opened onto a staircase going down 3 stories into a secret basement that no one knew about. Not even the hotel owners knew it was there, as Tom had had it built at night when no one was looking.

When Andrea reached the bottom of the stairs, her heart was pounding so hard that she almost thought she might faint. She knocked at the door, and waited in breathless anticipation.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

Andrea jumped. She was startled, and then a bit appalled. The voice was not Tom's.

"Gita? Is that you?"

"Yeah, it is, bitch," Gita shouted. The short, butch lesbian, whom Andrea had known for years, was wearing what looked like a military uniform. It was quite flattering. "I said what the hell are you doing here, Cuntrag?" Gita repeated.

"I'm here to meet Tom, okay?" Andrea said angrily. "I think a better question would be what the hell are you doing in his lair?"

"You know Tom?" Gita asked, looking confused. "I highly doubt it. I'm his bodyguard and he tells me who is allowed in here. He certainly didn't mention YOUR name."

And with that, Gita pulled a large hunting rifle out of her pocket and jabbed the barrel between Andrea's boobs.

"YOU are his fucking bodyguard? What the hell?" Now Andrea was confused too. And annoyed. She pushed the gun out of her cleavage and saw that it had left an unattractive mark.

"Yeah muckheap, I'm his bodyguard, and he didn't say you could be in here, so why don't you just make like a tree, and get the hell out of here."

"Well did he mention the name Verjayner Singh?" Andrea asked indignantly.

"Um, yeah, he did, but I assumed that would be an East Indian man," Gita said.

"That's his code name for me," Andrea explained. "He didn't want anyone to know it was me."

"Well why the hell not?" asked Gita.

"Well I guess I can tell you, but you have to promise to keep it top secret," Andrea said tentatively.

"Let me guess, you're his secret lover?" Gita said jokingly. "I could believe it, the man has got great fucking taste."

"Well actually..." Andrea smiled at Gita and looked her in the eye.

"Holy shit, I LOVE you Andrea!" Gita yelled at the top of her lungs. And with that she put the hunting rifle back in her pocket and gave Andrea a huge hug.

"Careful, you'll ruin my makeup," Andrea said, even more confused. "Where is my King Cock, and why do you give a flying fuck that I'm his lover?"

Gita wrinkled her nose in disgust. "King Cock? That's repulsive. Don't ever say the word cock to me. EVER! Or you'll be dead to me, DEAD!"

They both burst out laughing and hugged again.

"But seriously, where is he?" asked Andrea.

"He's not here right now," Gita explained. "He'll be back in a few minutes, come on in and make yourself comfortable. I'll explain why I became his bodyguard and why it works perfectly with my plan that you're boning him."

"What, I can't say cock, but boning is perfectly okay?" Andrea quipped.

"Shut up bitch or I'll ram this rifle up your twat!"

"You know, Gita, its 'make like a tree and leave,' you sound like an imbecile when you say it wrong."

And with that Gita gave her a playful slap on the arm, parted the curtain covering the entrance, and the two old friends entered the lair hand in hand.




Chapter 2

Emily Luther was just putting the finishing touches on her article for an upcoming issue of Roger Magazine. She was quite proud of it. She had spent many hours researching the growing relationship between rubber duckies and sex toys, and she was sure it would raise many eyebrows. Emily leaned back in her chair and stretched. She smiled as she thought about the many uses she and Dave could come up with for the free samples the sex toy distributor had given her, for strictly research purposes.

Suddenly, the door to her office flew open and Seana Mullen burst into her office throwing a piece of bright pink stationary down on her desk. “You won’t fucking believe this!”

Emily sighed. “Seana, that was uncalled for. You know how to knock. I could have been masturbating! Anyway, what the hell are you in a fury about, now?"

“Just read it!” Seana perched on the edge of Emily’s desk and lit a cigarette. “Actually, read it out loud…I just want to make sure I didn’t accidentally eat some of Kate’s brownies again.”

“Fine.” Emily reached over and picked up the sheet of paper. Seana was her oldest friend, but she could be a bit of a drama queen at times. Emily cleared her throat.

“ ’A note from THE Andrea Warner-
Dear Everyone,
I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I have finally discovered my true place in the universe. I was without direction for so long, that I thought it was normal. Luckily, a special friend of mine has shown me a new path- a path that, until very recently, was hidden from my sight. My friend, a wise and wonderful man, said some beautiful and insightful words to me, and I would like to share them with you. He told me that on the road of life, you could make a few wrong turns. Sometimes, the road becomes too slippery and you can lose control. Other times, you can try putting the car into reverse, so you won’t end up on the one-way road to hell. I have decided to pull over and get out of the car and travel on foot, with Tom as my guide-‘” Emily broke off her reading. “What the- Seana, are you playing silly bugger, again? I mean, this sounds like one of those crazy hymns we wrote for religion class in high school.”

“Oh, keep reading, it gets much better. Even I can’t make this stuff up.”

“Okay, I’ll humour you…Blah, blah, blah, car in reverse, path, Tom- who the fuck is Tom, anyway? Ah, here we are…’As you read this, I will be on my way to Victoria to begin my new life and career as a PR representative for Paco’s Phallus. This is an amazing opportunity and I cannot pass it up. So, it is with regret that I must cease all operations at Roger Magazine by the close of business today. I understand that this must come as a shock to you all, especially to you, Seana and Emily. Jen will be by later today and I am sure you will find your severance cheques to be more than generous. I am sorry, but if you can give me the gift of your understanding and support, the universe will take care of you, too. I must listen to my inner being: its voice has been stifled for far too long. Love, Andrea.’” Emily laid the letter facedown on her desk. “I am flabbergasted.”

Seana nodded. “I’m kind of shocked and appalled myself.”

The two friends sat in silence for a few minutes.

“Maybe she’s pregnant,” Seana speculated. “You know, wrong direction, inner-being…maybe this Tom character has knocked her up and they’ve eloped.”

“Or joined a religious order.” Emily lit a cigarette.

“Well, whatever she’s up to, it’s weird. And, we’re screwed, even if she did give us generous severance packages.”

Emily nodded. Didn’t she know it? Dave had recently quit his job at e-bay to start up a new business. His dream was to become a personal chef for some of the Hollywood celebrities that came up to Vancouver to film movies and TV shows. As of yet, he didn’t have any clients, but they assumed that since Roger magazine was becoming a success, they would be ok, financially. “I might have to take that crappy job with the Weekly World News.”

“Ha! I’m going to have to take that crappy job with US magazine. I get to write captions for pictures of Paris Hilton for the rest of my life!”

“There has to be more to this.” Emily pulled a flask out of her pocket and took a swig. “This is not THE Andrea Warner I know.”

Seana shrugged. “You’re the reporter. But, what do we do? Follow her to Victoria, if that’s where she actually went? Hunt her down and knock some sense into her?”

“Hmm…” Emily leaned back in her chair,” Maybe we shall…..”




Chapter 3

The surroundings were decadent and luxurious, and as Dave Whiteley looked around, he felt excited, and slightly envious. He was nervous about the job interview and fascinated with his prospective bosses.

An old man who introduced himself as Reverend Cyril had picked him up on the rooftop of his and Emily's building in Vancouver in a brand new helicopter painted with the initials "H.P." and flown him across the Georgia Strait while he drank champagne and listened to some bluegrass music on the helicopter's impressive sound system. He now found himself in the home of these bosses he had not yet met, and it was, simply put, gorgeous.

It was a penthouse on the top floor of a high-rise, with a view of the city and harbour. The living room, in which he was sitting, had extremely high ceilings, hardwood floors, and walls of windows on all sides. On one end of the living room was a platform with a large hot tub, and on another end was a huge red trampoline with various toys, stuffed animals and balls strewn across it. The living room also contained an amazing TV and sound system worth several thousand dollars. These people were obviously rich and Dave couldn't wait to meet them.

Cyril had poured him more champagne, which he was drinking when the door opened and a short, portly man walked in. The man appeared to be in his 40s, and had shaggy, dirty blonde hair. His pants were worn across his ribcage, above his protruding belly, which looked rather odd, but his apparent confidence overshadowed the bizarre position of the pants.

"Who the hell are you and why should I hire you?" was his opening statement.

Dave was taken aback for a moment, surprised that the man had not even said hello or introduced himself, but he was also impressed by his straightforwardness.

"Well, sir, my name is Dave Whiteley and I am quite simply the best chef you will ever get," he said, trying to sound confident. "If I can use your kitchen for a few minutes, I will show you what I mean."

The man's facial expression didn't change. "Go to it," he said. "My favourite dish is frog legs sautéed in red wine vinegar. There are some live frogs in the aquarium over there."

Dave looked over and saw that a few feet away from the hot tub there was indeed an aquarium filled with live bullfrogs. He had never had to kill and cook a frog before, but he wasn't going to let that stop him.

"Sure, sir, but before I do that, would you mind introducing yourself?" Dave asked tentatively.

"Shut the fuck up," the man said authoritatively. "If you're good enough to hire, I will tell you who I am. If you're not, you don't deserve to know."

So Dave obediently grabbed a frog out of the aquarium, found the knives in the kitchen, and stabbed it to death. He then removed the legs and began to cook. He had never made the dish before, but he did take a few liberties, such as putting cornmeal and molasses in the red wine vinegar sauce, which he knew would make it irresistible.

When he went back into the living room to present the dish, he saw there was a woman sitting on the couch with the man. She too was rather rotund, although younger and much more attractive than the man. The man grabbed the dish and stuffed the frog legs into his mouth all at once, chewing briefly and swallowing.

It took him a few minutes to finish, during which time Dave didn't see any hints on his face as to whether the food was satisfactory. Finally, the man reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a bottle of very expensive scotch.

"You, my man, are hired. Congratulations."

Dave let out a whoop of excitement, and the man poured him a glass of scotch. He then finally introduced himself. "My name was originally Ronald Dingleberry. But for my career, my agent recommended that I have it legally changed to High-Pants. You can call me H.P."

Dave shook H.P.'s hand, a confused look on his face. "And, if I may ask, sir, what do you do that requires you to have a name like High-Pants?" Dave was also trying not to laugh, since the first thing he had noticed about the man was how he wore his pants so high.

"If you haven't heard of me yet, you will," said High-Pants. "I'm an actor, and currently starring in a movie being filmed here in Victoria with some of the top A-list actors in Hollywood. It's going to be a blockbuster and probably an Oscar winner as well. The character I play is a butler who is secretly involved in a large drug-smuggling operation. They specifically picked me for the part because of the way I wear my pants high up. It's my trademark, and it's going to make me famous."

"That's...intriguing," Dave said. "But couldn't they have just gotten any actor to play the part and just told him to wear his pants high?"

"Do you want me to pull your liver out and make you eat it!?" High-Pants yelled. "Never, and I mean NEVER insult me in my own home. That is rule number one if you are going to work here. If you want to insult someone, insult her!"

High-Pants was pointing at the woman. "This, by the way, is Helwig Dingleberry, my wife, also known as Mini-Clit. She has the smallest clitoris known to mankind," he shouted.

"It's true," said the woman. "It's tiny. I had my name legally changed to Mini-Clit as well. You can call me M.C."

Dave thought this was all very bizarre, but he did not want to offend his new boss, and the salary he was offering was generous in the extreme. He had also been offered the suite below this one, rent-free, while he worked as a personal chef to H.P. and M.C. He decided it was probably wise to express interest in his boss's career.

"So what's the movie called? What famous actors are in it?" he asked.

"Well, it's called Jack-o-Lantern Canteloupe, and it stars myself, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Billy Bob Thornton, and a little known actor by the name of TOM FUCKING CRUISE!!!" H.P. shouted at the top of his lungs. "Impressed now, you little pissant?"

Dave wasn't sure how to respond; his new boss appeared to have some anger issues. "Um, yes, terribly impressed." And it was true; he was impressed, and also excited at the prospect of possibly meeting some celebrities and getting some new clients. He still wasn't sure what would happen with his and Emily's living arrangements, since she had a great job in Vancouver at Roger Magazine. But then again, with the salary he would be making, he could afford to fly back and forth. Hell, maybe H.P. would allow him use of the helicopter!

"Welcome to our home, Dave," Mini-Clit said warmly. "I believe H.P. would like to bring you to the set of his movie tomorrow so you can make snacks for him while he works. You can meet some of the other actors and everything. Meanwhile let's get you settled in the suite downstairs." She seemed a lot calmer and nicer than her husband.

"Sounds great!" Dave exclaimed. Emily knew he would be out of town for a few days, so he decided not to call her until after he saw how tomorrow went. Then he could tell her how he met Tom Cruise and the other celebrities and she would be very excited. He decided that night if he had time, he would go for a drink with Greg Polakoff and Mikey Barker, two old friends who lived in a loft a few blocks away. If he did end up moving to Victoria permanently, it would be nice to have them around. 





Chapter 4

“Well, I am glad to see that you arrived safely, my love. Come on in. I need to see your luscious form.”

Andrea’s heart skipped a beat at the sound of Tom’s sexy, masculine voice. She glanced over at Gita, who rolled her eyes and gave her a little shove into the room. She stumbled slightly, but once she recovered, she realized that she was in the most opulent room she had ever seen in her life. Luxurious oriental rugs were scattered all over the dark walnut floors. The room was dimly lit by strategically placed candelabras. The walls were covered with erotic art, but she could still pick out flashes of blood red paint in between the elaborate gold frames. A mysterious, but sexually charged figure lounged atop a pile of cushions mounted on a carpeted platform at the center of the room.

Andrea tentatively stepped forward. Now that the moment she had been waiting for was here, she felt a little nauseous. “Tom? Is that you?”

Suddenly, the shadowy figure leapt to its feet, and back flipped off the platform, landing at Andrea’s feet on bended knee. “Of course, it is I, my goddess.” Tom reached into his pocket and pulled out a long-stemmed rose. “For you.”

“Oh thank you Tom. You are so acrobatic!” Andrea took the rose from her fantasy man.

Tom got to his feet and flashed his famous 1000-watt grin at her. “I see you’ve met my personal bodyguard, G-Spot.”

Andrea whirled around to face Gita, who was lurking in the shadows by the doorway. “Gi-, I mean, G-Spot?”

“Yup. I was very lucky to engage G-Spot’s services. She’s the toughest bodyguard in the business. I’m also helping to finance her rap career.” Tom held up his left hand. “Slip me some skin G-Spot!”

Gita half-heartedly lumbered over and slapped Tom’s hand.

“Your album is going to be off the hook! YEEEE!!!!!” Tom hollered, dancing around Gita, who looked as if she wanted to rip off Tom’s skin and feed it to an angry amphibian. “She’s such a thug! I love it!”

“Well, that sounds very exciting.” Andrea replied. Tom’s exuberant behaviour was kind of freaking her out a little.

“It is, it is. I’ve been learning a lot about the history of hip-hop. It’s fascinating. With me and my fellow scientologists backing her, G-Spot will become the biggest rapper in the world! Anyway, that's all for now, G-Spot. Go secure the perimeter and I’ll call if I need your services again.”

“Bye, G-Spot,” Andrea waved at Gita.

“Later, Andrea.” Gita turned to leave.

“Do NOT speak to her in that tone!” Tom’ s face was flushed and a gigantic vein was throbbing in his forehead. It kind of reminded Andrea of his famous scene in “A Few Good Men”. “I never said you were fit to speak to her!!! Do not forget your place G-Spot!”

Andrea was shocked and somewhat appalled. “Tom, I think you’re over-reacting, just a little bit.”

“Am I? AM I? G-Spot is my employee. You are my love. She has to remember her place.” Tom stalked over to Gita. “Do not let it happen again. You’re on the clock. Now, get out of my sight!”

“Yes, sir!” Gita growled and left the chamber without looking at Andrea.

“Tom, was that really necessary? I don’t think you should have yelled at her like that. That display made me feel very uncomfortable.”

Tom came over and took Andrea’s hand. “Really? I was that convincing? Score one for the Cruise! Woooo! Come on my dear, join me. We have much to discuss.” He pulled her over to the pile of cushions. “Sit, make yourself comfortable. You must be exhausted.”

Andrea was thoroughly confused. Maybe she was making a mistake. “Tom, I don’t know if this is such a good idea. Maybe I should go.”

“Nonsense! Sit down, get comfortable. You have been handpicked to spend the rest of your life at my side. I have never met anyone more perfect than you.” Tom stroked Andrea’s cheek. “You are so beautiful. Lie back and relax…”

Against her better judgment, Andrea lay back on the pile of cushions. This was what she had always wanted. Tom Cruise was the sexiest man alive. He was also such a brilliant actor; that fit she had witnessed had to be an act… Andrea suddenly realized that an extremely large poster of L. Ron Hubbard was staring down at her. Well, this was a bit creepy. Suddenly, the picture’s mouth opened and a pink gaseous cloud began pouring out, with a gentle hiss. “What the hell?” Andrea tried to sit up.

“Breathe deeply, my darling. You will feel much better soon.” Tom flashed his sexy smile at her.

Andrea couldn’t help herself any longer. His wide, shark like grin was hypnotizing her. Andrea pounced, pinning Tom’s shoulders to the cushions. She kissed him passionately, as her animalistic instincts kicked in and she ripped off his shirt, revealing his perfectly sculpted torso. Everything faded into a pink haze as Andrea began ravishing Tom Cruise.

While Andrea was inside, having her way with Tom Cruise, Gita stood outside the door to the chamber, puffing angrily on a cigarette. That fucking asshole. She could not believe that he felt that he had the right to treat her that way. Gita sighed. “Oh well, he’ll get his,” Gita grinned evilly, as she thought of the plans she had for Tom. Suddenly, an idea for a rap song popped into her head, and she felt compelled to perform it out loud.

“Yo! G-Spot is in tha house, yo!
Toughest thug in the hood!
Sittin’, strummin’ your banjo,
While I’m takin’ off with your Katie-ho!
Fool!
Treatin’ that hottie like a piece of shit,
Lemme tell ya, I ain’t puttin’ up with it!
Yo! Yo! Yo!
Everyone thinks you’re crazy and whacked,
I’m gonna sneak in like a heart attack!
Strike you down, leave you for dead,
You don’t even know that we fuck in your bed!
Your wife is fine, her booty’s nice,
And G-Spot’s got her caught in some kind of vice!
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
That’s right Tommy-boy, I’m fucking your wife,
Talk shit to me again and you’ll be tastin’ my knife!
Katie’s been converted by G-Spot the preacher!
Wonder what else a pussy lover can teach her!
‘Cause G-Spot ROCKS the G-Spot!!!!!
So, we’ll be getting’ away and taking all your dough,
What happens when you forget to sign a pre-nup, bro!
Keep yellin’ at G-Spot all that you like,
While you’re fucking Warner,
I’ll be stealing your wife.
Peace!”




Chapter 5

The movie set was not at all what Dave had expected. It was in a small, rundown house in a lower class neighbourhood of Victoria. The house was made up to look like a drug den, because the movie, Jack-o-lantern Canteloupe, was supposed to be about heroin smugglers. Apparently the title was a reference to the tendency of heroin addicts to be unable to distinguish between canteloupes and jack-o-lanterns.

The house reeked, very badly, and there were piles of human excrement on the front lawn. It was not the type of environment that Dave had envisioned cooking in, but he was going to make the best of it. At least the house had a workable kitchen, even though the fridge and stove had graffiti all over them.

Dave had arrived early, before anyone else, to cook High-Pants' breakfast. H.P. had specifically requested rare leg of lamb in a white wine butter sauce. Dave thought that was a little unusual for breakfast, but hey, the guy was an actor.

"Actors are all a bunch of freaks anyway," Dave muttered aloud as he pulled a live sheep out of his pocket and killed it with a Swiss army knife. H.P. liked all his food freshly killed.

"Oh are they now?" said a low, booming, sensual voice.

Dave turned to see Billy Bob Thornton in the doorway, wearing a hot pink suit and purple sunglasses.

"Hello there," Billy Bob boomed. "I'm Billy Bob Thornton. And you must be the young man H.P. hired to cook for him?"

"Yes sir, my name is Dave. I am very sorry about that remark, I didn't mean it at all. I love actors, all of them, especially you!"

"Oh don't worry about it, young man," Billy Bob boomed. "I can understand why you would say that, if you work for High-Pants. The man is a narcissistic, delusional psychopath."

Dave wasn't sure how to respond, since he agreed with the statement but didn't want to insult his boss. He liked Billy Bob immediately. The man had a charismatic, humourous, yet sexy demeanour. They started talking about video games, and chicks they thought were hot.

"Tom Cruise has a new lover, he's cheating on Katie Holmes," Billy Bob mentioned at one point. "But I can totally see why, this new chick is a HOT PUPPY. I would ram my blood sausage into her tuna taco anytime!"

"Hmm, I will have to meet this goddess," Dave said. "Does he ever bring her to set?"

"He hasn't yet, but he might today," Billy Bob explained. "She just got into town. Say, Dave, it was really nice to meet you. I will leave you alone to finish cooking that lamb. But I also wanted to let you know that besides acting, I also moonlight as a bounty hunter. Philsee helps me out with it, so if you ever know anyone who needs a bounty hunter, here's our business card."

"Philsee?" Dave asked.

"Pleased to meet you, kind sir!" a new voice said. "I am Philip Seymour Hoffman. You can call me Philsee. I see you have met Billy Bob. You can call him Bilby. Those are our bounty hunter names."

Dave looked and saw that Philsee was wearing a pink suit identical to the one Billy Bob was wearing, but his sunglasses were green. "Philsee! It is such a pleasure to meet you. I loved you in Magnolia. My name is Dave, I am a chef."

"Thanks Dave!" said Philsee. "Magnolia was the first time I worked with Tom Cruise, and I kind of wish it was the last. Every time I meet him, he seems like more of a religious fanatic."

"Shhhhh!" Bilby was pointing at the door of the house. There was Tom Cruise himself. He was wearing a purple cape, and grinning maniacally. There was something extremely sinister about his eyes, and his teeth were terrifying.

"Hey Tommy-boy," said Bilby. "This here's Dave, he's H.P.'s chef. I was just telling him about that bootylicious babe you got yourself. Show him a picture!"

"Indeed I will!" Tom screeched, loud enough to hurt Dave's ears. "Here's one that was taken last night in my lair!"

Tom pulled out a picture and showed it to the other men. In it, a beautiful woman was lying across the floor of what looked like an extremely luxurious room. She had a strange device attached to her nose, and she appeared to be unconscious. In the background was an enormous poster of L. Ron Hubbard. The woman looked very familiar to Dave, but he could not tell exactly who it was, because her face was partly obscured by the bizarre device up her nostrils.

"What's that thing on her face?" Dave asked.

"It's called a Mushy-Mushy," Tom said. "It's a device that we scientologists use on new people we are trying to recruit. It inserts some special herbs and drugs up their nose to make them more susceptible to our message. Any woman of mine has to be a scientologist, and this one is very strong willed. We may have to keep the Mushy-Mushy up her nose for a few months. Of course I can still fuck her while it's up there, she just doesn't really notice because she's only semi-conscious."

Dave did not know how to respond to this. It was one of the most heinous things he had ever heard, however this was Tom Cruise, and he supposed it was none of his business. The woman did look eerily familiar though. He could not quite place her.

Suddenly, Dave's cell phone rang. It was Emily.

"Hey sweetie, you still in Victoria?" she asked. Her voice sounded urgent.

"Yes, in fact, I was going to surprise you. I'm on a movie set with Tom Cruise, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Billy Bob Thornton! I got an amazing job!"

"That's great, Dave. Congratulations," Emily said. She didn't sound as enthusiastic as he had expected. "So anyway, Seana and I are on a ferry on our way to Victoria. Andrea fired us and moved there, supposedly to work for Paco's Phallus. But something weird is going on and we want to investigate it."

"Andrea?" Dave asked. "THE Andrea Warner is in Victoria?"

And suddenly Dave remembered Tom's sinister picture and it all clicked. He was startled, and then extremely appalled.




Chapter 6

Seana wandered aimlessly around the gift shop, looking for something to read. Emily was still on the upper deck talking to Dave on her cell phone. She hoped that the conversation hadn’t degenerated into one of their phone sex sessions. They needed to find out what was going on with Andrea. She stopped in front of a magazine rack, upon which Roger Magazine was prominently displayed. “Oh, Roger.” she murmured, as she lovingly caressed the cover. All of their hard work, gone forever. She was still in a fury about what Andrea had done, but at the same time, she was extremely concerned. Andrea Warner was a fun-loving, yet sensible gal. She was often the voice of reason, especially where she and Emily were concerned. But, recently, something had changed. Andrea’s behaviour had become increasingly erratic over the last couple of weeks, after she returned from the Magazine Editors Conference and Jamboree in Los Angeles.

Seana continued glancing over the pathetic magazine selection, and then she noticed something very bizarre on the cover of US Weekly. “Tom’s New Love! Katie Under Suicide Watch!” the garish yellow headline trumpeted. The cover photo was slightly grainy, as if it had been taken from long distance away. “It can’t be,” Seana whispered. But, it was. Andrea Warner, THE Andrea Warner, locked in a sensual embrace with Tom Cruise. Seana stuffed the magazine into her pocket and ran out of the gift shop. “Hey, that’s illegal!” someone shouted after her. “What you are doing is illegal!” Luckily a large group of Japanese tourists waving bottles of maple syrup and stuffed polar bears had momentarily distracted the clerk. Seana ignored the idiot yelling after her. She was already banished from Sears; she didn’t want to be banned from another retail establishment. As she was running up the stairs, she crashed into Emily, who was sliding down the banister.

“Andrea’s with Tom Cruise!” they shouted at each other in unison.

“Hein? How do YOU know?” Emily demanded.

Seana pulled the copy of US Weekly out of her pocket. “Here. How do YOU know?”

“Well, it’s a long story…”

Fifteen minutes later, Emily had finished telling Seana what Dave had told her. “It sounds like she’s gotten herself into a nice mess this time. How are we going to get her out of it? Soon, she’ll be just like Katie Holmes. An emotionless zombie robot, who gets artificially impregnated with his culty spawn!” Seana exclaimed.

“It’ll be difficult. Tom’s surrounded by tons of people to keep him well protected. I mean, look at this bodyguard standing behind him in this photo. He’s got a hunting rifle! In his pocket!” Emily threw the magazine down in disgust.

“Wait a minute,” Seana picked up the magazine, “That bodyguard looks kind of familiar…Hey, that’s Gita!”

“Gita? The hell? Well, that’s just great. You know she graduated from the Gorply Memorial Bodyguard Collegiate. They’re the best trained bodyguards in the world.”

“Hmmm” Seana stroked her chin, thoughtfully, “What we need is a bounty hunter.”

“Wait a minute, wait a minute…Dave said something about Billy Bob Thornton being a part time bounty hunter. Maybe we could hire him.” Emily pulled her cell phone out of her pocket. “I’ll call Dave right back and get him to hire Billy Bob!”

“Better hurry, the ferry’s about to dock and the reception down in the car is crap, now. By the way, did you remember your hunting rifle?”

Emily patted her pocket. “Right here, my friend, right here.”

“Good, I have mine, too. I think we might be needing them.”

“Arrr! Stop right there, you scurvy land-lubbers!” Emily and Seana turned to see a man dressed like a pirate standing before them. “I heard you two talking about packing hunting rifles on this here ship! And, ye-“ he turned to Seana “be stealing magazines from our fine shop!”

“Oh, we were just being silly. Ignore us. We’ll be leaving right away.” Emily took Seana’s arm and tried to drag her away.

“Hold it right there, missy!” the pirate pulled a sword out of his pocket. “I’ll have none of this mischief on my watch! I reckon I’d better take you to the Captain. He’ll know what to do with both of you! Hands up!”

“Well, this is fucking fantastic.” Seana mumbled, as the pirate pulled both of their hunting rifles out of their pockets.

“March! To the Captain!” the pirate growled.

They had little choice but to follow his instructions. Finally, they reached a doorway. The pirate knocked. “Now we’ll see what the Captain has to say about this.”

“Enter,” a tired male voice wafted through the doorway. The pirate jabbed Seana in the back, and she entered the room. A tall, slender man, in a white captain’s hat was slumped in a chair in the middle of the bridge. Other ferry officers scurried around, in their white uniforms, steering the boat and whatnot, but the captain seemed oddly detached.

“Captain, I bring you two salty wenches. They’ve been smuggling rifles and stealin’ magazines! They be planning a mutiny!” the pirate announced proudly.

“Ok, Jimmy, I’ll take it from here.” The captain turned to face them, and his jaw dropped in shock. “Emily? Seana? What are you two doing here?”

“Greg!” Emily exclaimed. “I know that you and Mikey moved to Victoria, but I didn’t know that you were a ferry captain!”

“Yeah, well, I thought it would be an adventure, but I was wrong,” Greg heaved a sigh and turned to Jimmy the pirate. “It’s ok, Jimmy. They’re friends.”

“Arrr!!!!!” Jimmy threw down the hunting rifles and stalked away. “Thar she blows!” he muttered, leaving the bridge.

“So, what have you two been up to? Hunting rifles…are you two going on an adventure?” Greg’s eyes lit up at the prospect.

Emily and Seana exchanged a look. “Actually, we are… and we may be able to use your help.” Seana said, thoughtfully.




Chapter 7

Dave was cooking up a vegetarian stew as he waited for everyone to arrive. Ever since he had started working for High-Pants, he hadn't been as enthusiastic about eating meat, since High-Pants had forced him to slaughter so many live animals. They were in his suite under H.P.'s, and Emily and Seana were in the living room with Greg and Mikey, explaining the Andrea situation. Billy Bob and Philip Seymour would be arriving any minute to be briefed on the case and discuss strategy.

"I am so excited to meet them!" exclaimed Mikey enthusiastically. "They are both such wonderful actors, and hot hot hot!"

"Mikey, this is serious business, Andrea could be in danger," Greg said disapprovingly. "This is no time to be starstruck."

"Sorry sorry sorry!" said Mikey in a high, whiny voice. "God, Greg, you never let me have any fun. Just because you hate your stupid ferry captain job."

"Mikey, how many times have I told you to act dignified?" Greg said. "Do you want me to pull out your gall bladder and make you eat it? No? Then shut your festering cake-hole."

At that moment, there was a knock on the door. Seana got up to open it. Billy Bob and Philip Seymour walked in, both wearing black top hats and lime green skin-tight bodysuits.

"Hello there, I'm Bilby and this is Philsee," said Bilby.

Seana introduced herself and led the two men into the living room. Introductions were made all around, and Seana noticed with some alarm that Mikey and Greg were both acting very odd. Mikey was staring at Philsee's crotch with a maniacal grin on his face, and a growing bulge in the crotch of his purple pants. This was not entirely surprising, but Greg, who was usually quite reserved, had gotten down on all fours and was licking Philsee's feet, like a dog.

"What the hell is going on?" demanded Emily, mildly amused but also annoyed that this nonsense was going on while there was an emergency at hand.

"Philsee, Oooooooh, Philsee!!!!" Mikey yelled passionately at the top of his lungs. He then pulled a tennis racket out of his pocket and started slapping his erection with it. Philsee appeared slightly taken aback, but he too had a growing boner, and it was about twice the size of Mikey's.

At that moment, Dave entered the room holding a bucket of steaming stew. When he saw the odd behavior going on between Philsee, Mikey, and Greg, he appeared baffled, and then slightly repulsed. "This is NOT the time or the place, you pissants. Have your little homosexual orgy another time. We have a crisis on our hands! Do you give a shit about Andrea or not?"

"He's right, boys," said Philsee seductively. "We need to talk strategy. The three of us will definitely get together later though!"

Greg reluctantly pulled himself away from Philsee's shoe and Mikey sadly put the tennis racket back in his pocket. "Fine then," Mikey said, pouting. "You two are the bounty hunters, what do you suggest?"

"Well, we definitely need to kidnap that yummy hottie Andrea back from Tom's clutches so that we can deprogram her," said Bilby. "That's a given. But how do we accomplish that? We must first figure out where he is keeping her. That could be difficult."

"Well, we might have a lead there," said Emily. "It turns out that Tom's bodyguard is an old friend of ours, Gita. Now, perhaps we can use that to our advantage. We could maybe call her up and causally ask to visit her or something, and then maybe she would lead us to where Andrea is being kept?"

"That's not a bad idea," said Bilby. "Why don't you go in the kitchen and call her right now. In the meantime, we will have to discuss what to do once we find her."

Emily went into the kitchen and dialed Gita's cell phone number.

"Yo, this G-Spot, speak!" said the voice that answered.

"Hein?" Emily said. "I'm looking for Gita."

"Yer talkin' at her, beeatch! Whaddya want?"

"It's Emily. Uh...Seana and I are in Victoria and we heard you were in town. Can we come over and visit you?"

"You don't fool me, ya dirty cunt," Gita said angrily. "You probably just heard that I work for the Cruise-meister now, and you wanna come over and check out his tallywhacker!"

"Uh...okay ya got me," said Emily. "I want to see Tom's dinky. But if you let us, Seana and I will show you our boobs!"

"Fuuuuuuuuck THAT!" Gita yelled. "You two are just a couple of nasty little sluts. I've got better boobs to look at these days!"

And with that she hung up. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!" Emily yelled at the top of her lungs as she walked back into the living room. "You guys, sorry, she wasn't cooperative."

"Don't worry about it," said Bilby. He pulled a large, beeping metal contraption out of his pocket. "This is a satellite triangulator. We were able to use her cell phone signal to pinpoint their location. We've traced them to a large yacht off the west coast of the island, near Tofino."

"Hmm," said Dave. "High-Pants mentioned that Tom was going to be having a party on his yacht for the cast and crew of the movie. I think it takes place tomorrow night. They want me to do the cooking for it. H.P. was going to send over his helicopter to pick me up, if he can find a new pilot in time. Apparently Reverend Cyril had a tragic accident in a restaurant and will be unavailable to fly the chopper."

"That will be the perfect time to kidnap Andrea back," said Bilby. "We can all go over in the helicopter. But we need to make absolutely sure that we can distract Tom during the party while we kidnap her. Otherwise it could be big trouble."

"I know exactly what would work!" exclaimed Philsee. "Tom has been hinting to me that he'd like to experiment with a man...he's obviously bi-curious."

"Why does everything have to be about homosexuality and cocksucking with you?" Bilby said in an irritated voice.

"No, that's a good idea," Seana said. "I read in People magazine last week that Tom confessed to Michael Jackson that he sometimes fantasizes about young boys. Why don't we hire a provocative male prostitute to distract him?"

"That's exactly what I was thinking," Philsee said. "And I know the perfect male prostitute for the job. I've used him several times and he's HOT!"




Chapter 8

Michael Hogan, (or Hoagie, as he was known to his homies), was driving up the coast from Victoria towards Tofino. He had received a very bizarre phone call earlier that morning from one of his clients. He was to meet him at the Bananahammmock Resort and Spa, a popular destination for the gay male population of Vancouver Island. Normally, he was very excited at the prospect of servicing this client, but this time was different. He was supposed to be servicing another man, a homosexual virgin. Hoagie didn’t like dealing with first-timers. There was so much to teach them about the pleasures of the anal flesh, and they were often squeamish little girly-men. Hoagie sighed. At least the money would be good. He might even be able to retire to Aborigene, a small island in the South Pacific. Ahhh, Aborigene, where the grass grows wild, and the only known inhabitants were naked men and boys, who all believed that homosexuality was the only way to swing…

Hoagie was so lost in his lustful contemplation of firm male buttocks, he nearly missed the turn-off to the Bananahammock Resort. Hoagie drove up to hotel and parked in front of the door. A valet in a tank top and hot pants came out, to park his car.

“Hi, Mr. Hogan,” he breathed, “Are you here for business or pleasure?”

“Hi, there, Willy. I’m here for business, I’m afraid.” He tossed his keys at Willy.
“Well, you know how to reach me, if you would like to experience some pleasure!”

“Sure Willy, whatever.” Hoagie didn’t have time to listen to this kid’s rambling. He looked up, and noticed a familiar blue helicopter landing on the roof of the hotel. “ I gotta go. My clients are here.”

“Oh, you know Tom Cruise?” Willy asked interestedly. “So, it’s true that he’s a homo!”

“Hein? How do you know it belongs to Tom Cruise?”

“Well, Tom’s yacht has been parked off-shore for the last few days. Apparently, he’s been flying a lot of celebrities into town…you know, from Hollywood!”

“Hmm. Intriguing.” Hoagie mumbled, as he grabbed his backpack and walked into the hotel. He didn’t bother checking in, as he knew that his client would be waiting for him in their usual suite. Hoagie knocked tentatively at the door to the Butt Plug Suite. “Come on in!” an exuberant voice called out. Hoagie opened the door to find Tom Cruise’s shark-like grin beaming out at him, like a beacon on a foggy night. His heart skipped a beat. It had always been a fantasy of his to make sweet love to Tom Cruise. As a young man, he had spent many hours bitterly masturbating to Tom’s image and cursing Nicole Kidman for hoarding him to herself all those years. Although Tom’s smile freaked him out a little, it also excited him. Especially in a sexual way. Could he be the one his client was talking about? He was to deflower the great Tom Cruise! It was like Christmas and Easter rolled into one!

Tom grabbed his hand, and began shaking it vigorously. “I am so glad to meet you. Philsee and Bilby have told me so much about you.”

“They have?” Hoagie looked past Tom and saw Philsee and Bilby sitting on the bed. They were wearing identical polkadotted bowties and safari hats.

“Oh, yes. They say that we have a lot in common, you know that we share many of the same interests, especially those of a private nature, if you know what I mean, and I think you do!!!” Tom winked at him knowingly.

Hoagie felt his mushroom tip going drip drip drip. “Yes, I believe we do. At least that’s what Philsee told me.”

“Ah, so you are interested in Scientology.” Tom turned to Philsee and Bilby. “I like the cut of his jib! Do you mind leaving us, so we can get down to business?”

Bilby and Philsee got to their feet. “Sure,” Philsee patted Hoagie on the shoulder. “Remember what we talked about.” He whispered in Hoagie’s ear. He and Bilby exchanged a knowing glance and left the room.

As soon as they were gone, Hoagie locked the door behind them. “I’m not really interested in Scientology, you know.”

“You’re not?” Tom looked puzzled. “But, Philsee and Bilby said that you were looking for salvation in the form of worshipping an alien god.”

“He lied. I’m here to seduce you.” Hoagie reached down and unbuckled his pants.

“What?? Hey, look, I don’t know what tabloids you’ve been reading, but those rumours are totally unfounded!” Tom backed away and fell over onto the bed.

Hoagie ripped his pants off and jumped on top of Tom. “I think it is true. You look pretty excited to me.” He gestured at Tom’s bulging crotch. “I’ve been fantasizing about fucking you for years.”

“Really? Well, no, no, this isn’t right. I’m a married man!”

“And that’s why you’ve been fucking around with Andrea Warner?” Hoagie began unbuttoning Tom’s flowery blouse.

“How do you know about that?”

“Never mind about that. I know what way you truly want it. Don’t worry. I’ll be gentle.” Hoagie leaned down and kissed Tom passionately on the lips.

Tom moaned. “Oh my fucking God! Your lips are like two water beds…a big mushy, warm beautiful thing! Kiss me again!”

Hoagie broke into a large, shark-like leer that rivaled Tom’s own maniacal grin. “I’d only be too happy to oblige.”




Chapter 9

Seana was frantic as they waited for H.P.’s helicopter to arrive. Bilby and Philsee had gone to the yacht earlier in Tom’s chopper to start putting the plan in place. They were going to have the male prostitute seduce Tom so that he would be distracted while they kidnapped Andrea, but who knew what could go wrong. She just had to trust in their abilities as bounty hunters.

Thank god Mikey and Greg had stayed behind and were coming in H.P,’s chopper with Seana, Emily and Dave. The scene between Mikey, Greg and Philsee had certainly been erotic. But it was completely inappropriate.

“You two had better control your sexual urges around Philsee,” Seana said to Mikey and Greg. “He’s a charismatic man, but we have to focus on the task at hand.”

“Look, twat, you don’t have a cock so you have no idea what it’s like to want a man’s custard,” Mikey said indignantly. “When you know, in your testicles, that a man’s cock-snot is meant for you, I mean it’s pure animal desire. A smelly bleeding woman would never understand.”

“What in Sam Hill are you talking about?” Emily said, spinning around. “Seana, this stupidity calls for drastic measures. Emily and Seana made a secret hand signal to each other, and at the same instant, they both reached into their pockets and pulled out their hunting rifles. They then reached into their opposite pockets and pulled out a couple of giant purple dildoes, which were dripping with olive oil.

“We don’t know about cock?” Seana said sassily. “We know way more about purple-headed yoghurt slingers than you ever will!”

And with that, the two women advanced threateningly towards the two men, rifles and dildoes aiming menacingly.

At that point, they heard the exciting sound of the helicopter approaching.

“Stop acting like horses’ patoots,” Dave said disapprovingly. “This is my boss’s helicopter and he is very particular. We are lucky he is even letting us use it.”

The girls reluctantly put their weapons away as the helicopter approached. “We’ll get you yet, dicklickers,” Seana whispered in Greg’s ear.

When the helicopter had landed, the door opened, and a shadowy figure with an elaborate black robe and a pointy black hat with a star on it emerged. The man was obviously a priest of some sort, and everyone was looking at him thinking he looked extremely familiar,

“Greetings, and may the lord be with you all,” said the figure in a booming, almost supernatural-sounding voice. “I am Father Ed, I will be your helicopter pilot for today.”

Emily finally recognized the man. “It’s…EEEEEEeeeeeeedddd WALLACE!!!!”

“Well, technically yes,” said Father Ed. “But saying my name in that manner is extremely socially inappropriate and disrespectful to the lord. Repent, repent, all your sins. Repent, repent, or God will give you fish fins. Do the best you can, be the best you can be. For if you don’t, God will send his killer bees.”

“Um, okay then,” Seana said sarcastically. “Let’s get this show on the road, we’ve got a job to do. Take us to the yacht.”

They all entered the helicopter and took flight towards the location of the yacht. If all was going well, Billy Bob should have already located Andrea and gotten to work on freeing her.




Chapter 10

Bilby and Philsee landed Tom’s helicopter on the deck of his yacht. Already, they could see Gita, or G-Spot, approaching them menacingly. It looked as if she was about to pull a large weapon out of her pocket. Quickly, they got out of the helicopter.

“Hey, G-Spot. How’s it going?” Bilby asked her cheerfully.

“Oh, it’s you two. I thought it was the fucktard.” G-Spot looked kind of disappointed. “Hey, where is he, anyway? I needed to uh- discuss something with him.”

“Well, he’s otherwise occupied at the moment. Can we help?” Philsee wandered over to the edge of the deck, while Bilby tiptoed behind G-Spot towards a bright pink door labeled “Secret Lair”.

“Depends. If you fucking COCKSUCKERS stop sneaking around behind my back, trying to get into places you don’t belong, then maybe I’ll want to talk to you!” Suddenly, Gita pulled a bazooka out of her pocket and pointed it at them.

“Shit,” Philsee breathed.

Bilby just sighed. They really didn’t have the time for this nonsense. “G-Spot, there is a woman in trouble. Your boss hasn’t been treating her very well. We need to rescue her. She used to be your friend.”

“That was a long time ago. She’s with Mr. Cruise now. She thinks she’s too good for me. Why should I give a flying fuck?” Gita snarled.

“Is there anything we could do to make it worth your while?” Bilby demanded.

Gita thought for a moment. “Could you possibly give me that chopper?”

“It’s yours.” Bilby took a step towards the doorway.

“Hold on, that’s not all. There is another woman on this boat who needs to be rescued. If you guys are planning on releasing Warner, you have to free Katie, too. I want to take her far away from that psychopath. Release her, give us a head start and then you can get Warner out of here.” Gita waved the bazooka threateningly. “Those are my demands.”

Bilby exchanged a look with Philsee, who shrugged. “Okay, G-Spot. We’ll help you out. Where is she?”

Gita looked relieved. She put the bazooka back in her pocket. “Follow me.” She strode over to the pink door and opened it. Bilby and Philsee followed her. It was dark. They went down a flight of stairs.

Philsee squealed as a rat climbed up his leg. “Bilby, save me!”

Bilby shook his head and picked Philsee up. He cradled his partner in his arms as he followed Gita through the mechanical room. They trailed Gita through a maze of pipes and machinery for what seemed like an eternity. Finally they reached a large steel gate that reminded Bilby of the door to a bank vault. “I don’t know the combination.” Gita gruffly expositioned.

“Well, how the hell are we supposed to get through that?” Philsee asked, clutching Bilby’s neck.

Bilby unceremoniously dropped him on the floor. “Like this.” He pulled a few sticks of dynamite out of his pocket and struck a match against the sole of his boot. “G-Spot, you’d better take cover.”

Gita screamed and ran around a corner.

Bilby put the dynamite up against the door handle and waited for the explosion. A searing blast of flames momentarily engulfed both Bilby and Philsee, but they stood their ground. The door disintegrated like a sand castle overcome with ocean waves.

Gita emerged from around the corner. She looked shocked to see Bilby and Philsee still standing, limbs intact, although their colourful costumes were slightly blackened, like Cajun catfish. “How did you guys survive that?” she asked in awe.

“We’re not simple actors/ bounty hunters.” Bilby grumbled.

“We’re superheroes!” Philsee piped up cheerfully.

“Enough chitter chatter!!.” Bilby snapped. “Lead on, G-Spot!”

Gita scrambled through the remnants of the door and they entered a beautiful chamber. It was painted gold and there were at least a dozen crystal chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. At the centre of the room, there was a round bed. A beautiful, yet emaciated young woman was lounging on the bed with a strange device shoved up her nose. Bilby knew that it was the same contraption that Andrea had shoved up her own nose at this very moment. She had a dazed expression on her face, and she seemed to barely notice the strange crew that had entered her bedroom.

“Katie-boo!!! Noooo!” Gita howled as she ran over to the bed. “She’s got the Mushy-Mushy!!” Gita ripped the device out Katie’s nose. “Speak to me baby! I’m going to kill that assmunch! How dare he do this to you.”

Katie moaned, and her eyes fluttered open. “Gita, is that you my love? Are you coming to take me away?”

“Yes, dear. I got a helicopter for us.” Gita gathered Katie in her arms. “You will finally be free from that horrible beast. We’ll be poor, but we’ll be ok.”

“Gita, I know his bank account numbers. Before he Mushy-Mushyed me, I was able to get online and transfer his assets to an offshore bank account.”

“Yee-HAW!!!!! Gita threw Katie up in the air and caught her. “Let’s get the fuck out of here! See ya, suckas!” Gita ran out of the room, cackling.

“Not so fast.” Bilby raised his left hand a bright blue light shot out of his palm. Gita froze.

“Hey, jizzwad! Lemme go!” Gita screamed.

“Not until you tell me where Andrea is. That was the deal, buttplug.” Bilby growled.

“Okay, okay. Go through the purple door, and you’ll find her, I give you my word as a thug of the street. Now, let us go before it’s too late.”

“Fine. If you lied to me, I will know where to find you.” Bilby released Gita and Katie from the mysterious hold of his icy blue ray. They hastily ran away.

“Ok, let’s find that purple door. We have a woman to save. A goddess. The most incredible woman who walked the face of this earth…”Bilby murmured to himself. Even though he had never met Andrea Warner, she had intoxicated him. He suspected he was falling in love with her. He had to rescue her, so that his life would be complete!




Chapter 11

Andrea wasn't sure what was happening. She kept drifting in and out of consciousness. When she was awake, she could only vaguely see her surroundings. The floor of the room appeared to be covered in some kind of pink foam, and the walls were covered with Tom's movie posters. Top Gun, Cocktail, Mission Impossible, Days of Thunder. The terrifying thing - besides his shark-like teeth - was that the eyes of the posters were all bright yellow and they appeared to move around the room, watching her. It was very creepy.

Her nose was extremely uncomfortable, and it had gotten to the point where she preferred to be unconscious rather than to have to feel the excruciating pain in her nostrils. Right now she was having a dream about Tom. She was in what looked like a large circus tent, and she was hanging upside down by her ankles. She was naked, but her body was covered in some kind of lube or slime. Tom was standing before her, his beautiful purple dingle bobbing in and out of her upside-down mouth. He was also stroking her whole body with what appeared to be a giant pink feather-duster. He was speaking in a soft, seductive voice.

"Minion of the moon, you will be mine. Goddess of Galapagos, you will be my slave. Angel of my Anus, you will be my scientology slave."

And as he said this, his voice turned from soft and sensual to growling and threatening. All of a sudden, the feather duster turned into the head of a demon, and it was biting Andrea all over her body. She looked and saw that the slime that was covering her had turned into a million leeches, crawling all over her skin and sucking her blood. The penis, which was still bobbing in and out of her mouth, suddenly turned into a rattlesnake, and it let out a grotesque rattle as it bit her tongue out.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Help me!!!!!!!" Andrea yelled as she woke up. And when she regained consciousness, she was looking into the deepest, most sensual pair of eyes she had ever seen. The owner of the eyes was ripping something out of her nose. "Ouch! What's going on?"

"We're rescuing you," said the enthralling man standing in front of her. He was holding a huge device covered in snot. "That madman Tom Cruise had this Mushy-Mushy up your nose, drugging you so that you would be his scientology slave." The man then began licking the snot off the device and moaning passionately.

Andrea was appalled. But, she also noticed, she was slightly sexually aroused. Then she took another look at the man. "You're Billy Bob Thornton!!!!!!" she yelled. She could not look away from his beautiful, kind eyes.

"You can call me Bilby, and this is my assistant Philsee," He said, pointing at the figure behind him. And slowly, Bilby's charismatic, handsome face approached Andrea's, and they kissed, slowly, and then more passionately. Andrea now knew what real love was. She could not believe what a fool she had been to fall into Tom's trap. "Bilby, thank you so much for rescuing me. I don't know what would have happened without you."

"Well don't just thank me," he said. "Some of your friends helped too. Let's get you out of here, and they should be on the upper deck by now with a chopper to take us all away from this ship of doom."

Bilby picked Andrea up with one arm, and Philsee with the other arm, and started up the stairwell to the upper deck. He could hear the hum of a helicopter and he knew that was a good sign. When they got to the top of the stairs, Emily, Seana, Dave, Greg and Mikey were there, waiting anxiously.

"Oh, thank god you're alright," they all said in unison, and they all started hugging Andrea.

"Let's continue this reunion on the chopper, we need to get out of here," said Bilby.

"Not so fast," said an ominous voice behind them. There was a figure standing in the shadows wearing white pants with puke-green polka dots. The pants were worn high over a protruding belly.

"High-Pants, is that you?" asked Dave. "You said I could use the chopper...uh, we need to get off this boat, and quick!"

High-Pants' mouth formed into a grotesque and evil-looking grin. "You pissants aren't going anywhere," he growled. He then pulled a large metal contraption out of his pocket. "This is an A-bomb, and it's going to go off in 10 seconds. Say goodbye to the world, suckers!"




Chapter 12

Everyone was shocked and somewhat appalled by HP's news. He cackled evilly as he showed them the remote control in his hand. "Yes, you slimeballs, one push of this button and you will all have exactly one minute to say your prayers before you all get blown to bits, and your carcass pieces will rain down on all of Vancouver Island!!!" His belly shook violently as he doubled over with laughter. It was somewhat grotesque.

"Mini-Clit! Father Ed! Come here! I want you to prepare the chopper for immediate take-off!" Father Ed and Mini--Clit scurried over to the chopper. The wind from the rotating helicopter blades whipped everyone's hair into lovely afros.

"Now, fools, you will die! Without Bilby and Philsee to foil my dastardly plots, I will be free to rule the world!!!!!" With that, HP pressed the button on his remote control. He ran over to the helicopter and tried to open the door, but it was locked. "Let me in, you idiots!" he pounded on the glass. Father Ed simply shook his head and pulled a lever on the helicopter control panel and the aircraft lifted off the deck of the yacht. HP tried to hold on, but he was not strong enough. He fell to the deck with a thud. "Well, at least if I'm going down, it's good to know you dinkuses will be going down with me!!!"

"Well, don't be so sure about that." Bilby turned to Philsee. "It's time to use your new powers."

Philsee nodded. "I'm ready."

Bilby pulled a magic wand out of his pocket and waved it over Philsee's head. "Abracadabra, tellybopper, turn this man into a helicopter!!!" And with that incantation, something very strange began to happen. Philsee's body contracted in a ball of purple goo, envelopped in a cloud of smoke. Seconds later, the smoke cleared and Philsee had indeed turned into a purple and flesh coloured helicopter. Philsee's face was strategically placed above the windshield of well, himself. "Come on everybody! Get in!"

Everyone scrambled inside of the Philseecopter. It was surprisingly soft and comfortable. Greg and Mikey couldn't believe their good luck. Their fantasies were coming true. They began masturbating vigorously, because the thought of being inside Philsee's body was so arousing.

"Everyone's accounted for! Pedal to the metal, Philsee!" Bilby exclaimed.

"Roger, that." Philsee replied and the Philseecopter lifted off with surprising speed. Bilby looked down and he could see HP standing on the deck of the yacht, shaking his fist at them as they flew away.

"You haven't seen the last of High-Pants Dingleberry!!!!!!!!!!!!" he shouted. "I will haunt you for the rest of your lives! My ghost will never rest!"

"Oh, shut the fuck up!" Dave yelled. He pulled a live grenade out of his pocket and threw it down at HP. His aim couldn't have been better. The grenade landed in HP's mouth, and seconds later he literally exploded, spraying guts and other bodily fluids all over the Philseecopter.

"Oh, no! Now I'll have to get my costume dry-cleaned!" Philseecopter wailed.

"Come on, let's get moving." Bilby growled. He hugged Andrea tightly.

Philseecopter increased his altitude. They all watched as Tom Cruise's yacht exploded into smithereens.

"Well, that's what I call a happy ending!" Emily exclaimed proudly.

Everyone cheered.

THE END (or is it?)

Check back for further devlopments of this grand and wonderful literary masterpiece....