Hurlyburly - The Continuing Tragic Saga - Chapter 13

"Darling... we are about to land. Wake up, my lovely lioness." Loverboy's silky smooth voice reverberated in her ear.

"Oh, I must have dozed off." Michelle muttered. She looked out the window, and saw the hot desert landscape below. But, there was something kind of odd. There appeared to be a large statue of a giant pineapple in the center of the village. Michelle leaned closer, trying to get a better look. It was no ordinary pineapple, it was a statue of a man who looked like a pineapple. Michelle was somewhat bewildered. Her bewilderment quickly turned into revulsion when she noticed the giant penis dangling between the pineapple-man's legs. The member had to be at least 20 feet long... and if her memory of her studies of the culinary arts served her correctly, it appeared to be made out of pineapple! "Loverboy, what the hell is that monstrosity?!?"

"It is no monstrosity, my lilac-breasted budgie. It is a representation of the god Pineappleocoles, a most powerful and revered deity. He is the true father of us all, for we came from the soil of the earth, like the delicious fruit we ingest each and every day. Everytime you eat a bit of pineapple, you are ingesting a piece of our bona fide saviour. Soon, you will meet some good friends of mine, and they will be able to explain all to you, my fragile flower. I think you will like it in Bobtercock."

"Ooookaaayyy, then." Michelle sighed and turned away. Loverboy was acting very strangely. Michelle wondered if she was truly in love with him. A high pitched beeping noise emanated from the direction of Loverboy's crotch. "What is that awful noise?"

Loverboy pulled a ping pong paddle out of his pocket and began slapping his crotch until the shrill sound subsided. "Oh, never mind that. It's only my cock-ring."

Michelle sighed contentedly. Her apprehension had suddenly melted away. Bobtercock looked like a very nice place, and what an interesting landmark! If Vegreville could have a giant egg, then, why shouldn't Bobtercock have a pineapple/man/god with a colossal penis? Michelle snuggled up to Loverboy, and amused herself by fingering his chest fur, as the plane touched down and taxied over to the Bobtercock Airport. They were just getting ready to disembark when a strange little man with a hunchback approached them. He was dressed in a pilot's uniform, but he had a jaunty red beret on his head instead of a pilot's hat.

"G'day, me hearties!" he exclaimed in a strong Australian accent. "The captain has asked to see you both a moment before you take your leave."

"This is highly irregular." Loverboy interjected.

"Oh, it will only take a moment. Captain Lee says that the lady here is friendly with his wife. He wants to say hello!"

"It's Lee! Well, of course we'll come and say hello. I want him to meet you darling!" Michelle pulled Loverboy over towards the cockpit and knocked on the door.

"Enter," an authoritative-like voice boomed from within.

Michelle opened the door and stepped into the cockpit. To her surprise, it appeared to be empty. "Lee?" she asked, tentatively. The next thing she knew, she felt a sharp pain in the back of her head and all went black.

Some time later, Michelle awoke. She was alarmed to notice that she was tied up, and lying on the floor of the cockpit. Loverboy was lying next to her. He still appeared to be unconscious.

Michelle turned her head slightly, trying to ignore the throbbing agony on the back of her skull. She could see Lee sitting in the pilot's seat. They did not appear to have taken off yet. He was talking to someone in a walkie-talkie.

"Yes, sir, we have secured the two subjects you were looking for. Is there any other instructions?"

The walkie-talkie crackled, and a familiar, soothing yet somehow menacing voice boomed in response: "Well, my sources tell me that there are two more pissants that need to be gathered at your present location. There's that pissant, Bilby and his new accomplice Rasta-Dawg, otherwise known as Brice Luther."

Michelle had to suppress a gasp, upon hearing Brice's name.

Lee sighed angrily. "So, our colleague wasn't able to secure Brice's services for us, I take it?"

"Fuck, no! I don't know what's wrong with my faithful servant. That dunderhead even forgot Andrea Warner! His behaviour has gotten more bizarre lately. I may have to arrange for some counselling after this is all over. If you understand my meaning."

"Got it. I'll send Jimbo out to fetch the other two, and then we'll be on our way to Texas. I'll see what I can do to rectify the Warner situation. Our hostages may be willing to help us in that regard...or else, they'll be nothing but a bunch of meat puppets."

"Sounds like a plan! Philly, over and out."

"Roger." Lee shut off the walkie-talkie and lect the cockpit.

Michelle couldn't believe what the fuck was going on. She knew who Lee was speaking to; she knew him very well. She had to get a message to Andrea Warner. But, how?

Hurlyburly - The Continuing Tragic Saga - Chapter 12

"God, I feel good," murmured Alex, as he caressed Philseecopter's door handle. "Thank you so much for that wonderful ride."

"I second that," groaned Munroe. "Philseecopter, you are one hot helicopter. Listen boys, I have to go inside and clean myself up before Ms. Warner gets home. I don't think she would take too kindly to me serving her dinner wearing nothing but a poopy diaper!"

Munroe made his way inside, while Alex and Philsee basked in the sun and relaxed on the roof of the condo. Philseecopter found himself drifting off to sleep, when suddenly he heard a noise that sounded a bit like a rat puking. He opened his eyes and saw that a shadowy figure, wearing a black cloak and smelling a bit like charred fish guts, was holding a rag over Alex's face. Alex was twitching and gagging, and drool was gushing out of his mouth and nose. Philsee saw with horror that the figure was holding two other limp bodies, which looked alarmingly like Seana Mullen and Kate Luther. Philseecopter was appalled.

Before Philsee could say anything, the figure pulled an AK-47 out of the folds of its cloak and pointed it at Philsee's head. "Do as I say if you want to live," the figure hissed, droplets of rank-smelling spit spewing from its gaping maw.

The figure roughly opened Philsee's rear door and shoved the three limp, drooling bodies into Philseecopter's back cargo area. The figure then climbed into Philsee's front seat, rolled down the window, and leaned his torso out so that he could still point the gun at Philsee's head.

"Now, you silly human helicopter," hissed the figure. "Fly to the residence of those pissants Emily Luther and Dave Whiteley."

Philseecopter began to cry. How could this be happening? Who was this horrible shadowy figure and what did he want with them? But he had no choice but to do what the figure asked. He could only hope that Bilby would return from Botswana soon and rescue them. And hopefully he would have that magic wand so that Philsee could finally cease being a helicopter.

When they arrived at Emily and Dave's place, the figure forced Philsee to land on the roof and start calling their names, so that they would come out on the roof. When they appeared, the figure did the same thing he had done to the others - gagged them with chloroform-covered rags and threw them into the back of Philseecopter.

"Now, Philby, or whatever in Sam Hill your name is, copter," hissed the figure. "Fly southeast, towards Texas."

Philseecopter reluctantly did what the figure said. He wondered how long his friends would be unconscious. He was terrified at the thought of where they might be going. He had heard scary things about Texas.

After a couple of hours, when they were flying over northern Idaho, Philsee heard a cracking sound coming from the shadowy figure's pocket.

The figure pulled a walkie talkie out of his pocket and started hissing into it sickeningly. "Masssster?"

"Do you have all the pissants?" boomed a southern-drawled voice from the walkie-talkie.

"Yesss master, I have Seana, Kate, Alex, Emily and Dave, just like you asked," said the figure.

"And Andrea Warner, correct?" asked the voice.

"Bloody fucking hell!!!" yelled the shadowy figure. "I forgot Andrea. I'll have to go back. Jesus Murphy!"

"You can't go back, there's not enough time, you imbecile," boomed the voice, sounding angry. "Our colleague is going to arrive soon with the Botswana contingent. We will just have to proceed with the plan without Ms. Warner. You will pay for this, you idiot."

"Yes master, I am sorry," the figure muttered bitterly.