Hurlyburly - The Continuing TRAGIC Saga - Chapter16

The ring tone on his cellphone startled him awake. He had just been having a disturbingly arousing dream about a strange man, with a Hitler-type moustache dressed in a loincloth, doing an interpretive dance around a bonfire. He shook his head to clear the bizarre vision from his mind. It took him a moment to recognize his favourite song, The Battle of New Orleans. It was a jaunty tune, and he found himself cheerfully humming along to it for a few seconds before picking up.

"Yello!" his voice boomed in a Texan twang.

"Hello, master," the voice of his faithful servant hissed at him. "I just wanted to inform you that we are only moments away from your location. The copter will be landing within 10 minutes."

"Good, good. Are any of the pissants awake, yet? I need them unconscious, so I can prepare them for their interviews. It's much easier if they don't know what in bloom blazes is going on beforehand. It'll be easier to shock them into accepting the treatment."

"Oh, no, master. They are still fast asleep, except for this Copter character. I gave them a very powerful potion, a very special recipe I found on the Internet. It worked like a charm." His faithful servant cackled.

"That's what I like to hear! I will see you shortly!" He hung up and wandered over to the mirror. "Aw, shucks. Yer a handsome devil!" he praised his reflection. He decided to go wait on the front lawn for the arrival of those weirdoes, along with his security team.

Moments later, he could hear the sound of a helicopter flying over the roof of his house. He looked up, shielding his eyes from the glare of the hot sun. There it was: a purple and lime green helicopter, with the head of that left-wing homosexual actor, Phillip Seymour Hoffman right above the windshield. This must be the famous Philseecopter.

"Well, well, well. This is certainly interesting," he chuckled to himself.

Never in all his years of practice in the field of psychology had he seen anything like it. An actual honest-to-goodness human helicopter was landing on the front lawn of his compound in Corpus Christi, Texas. He could hardly believe his eyes. He could hear a high pitched wailing noise as the chopper powered down.

"Oh, stoooop it!!! You're scaring me!" Philseecopter howled, tears streaming down his face.

A shadowy figure emerged from the inside of the helicopter, brandishing a large purple pool cue. "If you don't immediately stop that infernal wailing, I am going to punch you in the nose, Butterscotch!" he waved the pool cue menacingly. "I've had about enough of your snivelling!"

"Nooo! Please don't hurt me!" He burst into tears.

"Hey, simmer down, my faithful servant! C'mon, we don't have time for this nonsense. Introduce me to this queer, here."

His faithful servant bowed deeply. "I humbly apologize master. But, you do not understand. I've had to listen to his crying all way from Canada!"

"There, there." He pulled a bottle of scotch out of his pocket. "I reckon this'll do the trick!"

His faithful servant greedily snatched the bottle away and took a long swig. "You reckon, correctly, master. Come, I shall introduce you to the copter."

They walked over to where Philseecopter was waiting. The security force was busily unloading the unconscious forms of Emily, Dave, Seana, Kate, and Alex from Philseecopter's interior, and packing them into a bright yellow SUV.

"Copter!" His faithful servant barked at Philseecopter. "Pay attention! I need to introduce you to someone. Master, this is Philseecopter. Philseecopter, meet the most brilliant, intelligent, reasonable, modern Renaissance Man... the most amazing man I know, it's safe to say. May I present my master-"

"I know who that is!" Philseecopter gasped, cutting the shadowy figure off in mid-sentence. "I don't understand. YOU are behind all this? You're the most famous psychologist in the world! What could you possibly want with us, Dr. Phil?"

Dr. Phil laughed and patted Philseecopter on his side. "Don't you worry. I'm here to make sure you get real!"

"What?"

"Life Law #1: You either get it or you don't! And, I'm going to make sure you and your passel of freaky-deaks get it!" Dr. Phil laughed. "I'm going to put you all on my show. Ratings will go through the roof! It'll be a season-long odyssey to self-empowerment!"

Philseecopter's jaw dropped. "Season-long?"

"That's darn tootin'! It's going to take some time because according to Life Law #4, You can't change what you don't acknowledge and you freaks ain't acknowledging that y'all have some major problems." Dr. Phil motioned to a couple of his guards. "These gentlemen are going to escort you to a hangar. Don't try anything funny, though. After all, we all know that we teach people how to treat us - that's Life Law #8, by the way - if you're a good little chopper, these men will treat you real nice. Try to pull any shenanigans, they won't treat you so nice. Understand?"

Whimpering, Philseecopter nodded.

"Alright, then! Let's go talk to the others, my faithful servant!" Dr. Phil began walking away with the shadowy figure. "Oh, and Philsee - remember Life Law #6: There is no reality, only perception. If you perceive that yer being imprisoned here, yer reality won't be pleasant. Maybe you should look at this experience as a journey to self-empowerment, to make you the best helicopter you can be!" Dr. Phil turned towards his faithful servant. "Let's go!"

Philseecopter reluctantly allowed the armed guards inside his hull. Dr. Phil caused all of this chaos and misery? Well, he certainly didn't see that one coming. He lifted off and slowly flew over to the hangar the guards had directed him to. He could only hope that Bilby would find them and fast!